Final Thoughts on Europe

So for our final journal entry we were supposed to write our final thoughts on Europe. Since I began doing video journals pretty early on in the trip, I figured the last journal entry wouldn't be any different. I thought about doing it on the plane home, but I knew it'd be a pretty personal journal and didn't want to film it in public. I thought about doing it when I woke up in my own bed the day after returning, but I looked dreadful. I thought about doing it the following day, but between unpacking, laundry, and being with my family, I didn't get around to it. I attempted to film it this morning, but every time I pressed "record" tears would begin streaming down my face, and I wasn't about to post that to YouTube. So here I am, blogging my final response to the incredible 27 days I spent traveling Europe with 40 of the most fantastic people I could ever imagine traveling with while listening to "Cruise" on repeat. Yeah, I'm a mess.

I thought I was ready to be home. I was ready for clean underwear and sleeping in and relaxing and ice and normal food and toilets that flush everything the first time around and LOTION and my Tempurpedic pillow and the Bachelorette and a good pedicure and the people I have missed since Christmas break and time to worship with my Southeast family and the ability to drive places instead of walking for hours. But the truth is, I'm never ready for change. I embrace change, but it takes me a second. I've been in change overload the past few days... change of continents, change of people, change of culture, change of food, change of language.

Europe was a beyond incredible experience. I saw places I'd only ever read about such as the Colosseum, Trajan's Column, Eiffel Tower, Louvre, Swiss Alps, gazebo from the Sound of Music (oh, wait...), Rhine River, and so many more. I saw art I'd only ever studied in humanities like "Guernica", "Mona Lisa", "Winged Victory", and "Laocoon Group". I ate foods I'd only ever heard of like crepes, Schnitzel, pesto, gelato, and cannolis. I witnessed smart cars parked sideways, being offered alcohol at every meal, men crowding to sell umbrellas, squeaky pigs, sunglasses, and knock-off purses at every turn, pickpockets, strange clothing styles, and body odor. I was told "NO PHOTO" half a dozen times, was asked to cover myself as I walked into a cathedral in shorts and a tank top, snuck into a couple of bathrooms I was supposed to pay for, was laughed at by an entire bus full of Austrians for my mispronunciation of the town I wanted to get to, and plugged more than one toilet due to their lack of successful flushing system. I unsuccessfully used lotion for 23 days until I was told by our tour guide I had been using body wash the entire time, laid on top of the sheets in Rome all night due to faulty AC, did a load of laundry in the tub, and wore a pair of socks 6 times. I ate pesto and gelato every chance I could in Italy, looked at thousands upon thousands of paintings, rode a train all night only to wake up in Paris, and walked dozens of miles in the rain. Oh, and I fell in love at first sight about 7 times.

But in addition to the art and the museums and the palaces and the food and the castles and the hotels and the countless hours on the bus, my European trip had the opportunity to be dreadful. Ya see, I was lonely as all get out at the beginning. I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, and I was so tired from the past 8 months of making friends that I didn't want to put forth the effort. I had determined in Spain that the remaining 23 days would be spent awkwardly inserting myself into conversations and excursions with anyone who would take me in. I was going to see the sights, look at some art, and eat some food in a bunch of different countries others would KILL to visit, but I wasn't going to have the trip of a lifetime with my besties. I would figure out the places I wanted to come back to and return later in life to enjoy them with a group of friends or some husband I might have. Class credit, pretty pictures, and savvy souvenirs was all this chick would bring home from it. You get the picture.

But 30 days after I headed out on the "trip of a lifetime" feeling awkward and unmotivated, I write this feeling more a part of something than anything I have ever experienced. As I sat in my hotel room in Rome with Kayla, Darcie, Abby, Jasmine, Sarah, Katryn, and Tyler, I never felt more accepted than I did in that moment. I've spent my life on the edge. Except for my awkward middle school years, I have always had friends. I've always been someone who could hug and talk to a dozen different people at a time in any of my normal environments. But when it came down to the "group" I belonged to, I was included, but the person who sometimes accidentally got left out of the group text or Facebook invite. And really, I was fine with that. One good friend is all you need, and I was never short of that one friend.

But in Europe, I was a part of a group. Clique? Maybe. I've grown to learn that cliques aren't bad unless they purposefully exclude. I mean, people always have a group they fit in with best. But anyway, the eight of us grew close, and if someone was missing or doing another activity, the group felt the weight of their lack of presence. Sounds pretty intense, doesn't it? Well, I'm pretty sure that's the way a body works. No, I'm not going to get all spiritual, but in our "elite eight" community, we worked as a body. When Katryn and Jasmine were doing the food tour in Italy, we couldn't wait for them to be finished. When I did the Sound of Music Hop On Hop Off Tour and spent the day apart from Darcie, she almost plowed me over with her hug when she got back to the hotel. When Tyler was eating dinner with his other friends in Rome, we tried to hurry the check to the table so he could come back to us. When we accidentally left Jasmine in a store near the Pantheon, some of the girls were almost in tears. And when we tried to sit together on the plane home, I was somebody people wanted to sit near while we switched around.

I'm not attempting to throw a pity party here... I'm just so full of joy and oh so grateful!! I'm also not saying I'm Miss Popular by any stretch of the imagination. I just had the strongest feeling of being wanted I've ever experienced. People chose to be near me, talk to me, and include me. On the days leading up to the night train to Paris my prayer was, "God, I want someone to choose me. I'm tired of all the effort I've put into relationships. They have been GREAT, but send someone to want to love and hug me." Within HOURS, that prayer began being answered in the most crystal clear, holy-goodness-are-you-stinkin-kidding-me kinda way. Praise be to Him. Praise be to God Almighty.

Hang Gliding over the Alps? Check. Watching the Eiffel Tower sparkle as the clock stroke 9? Check. Get within 10 feet of the Mona Lisa? Check. Drink foreign Starbucks? Check. Ride a roller coaster in Vienna? Check. Watch an opera and a ballet? Check. Gain 5 pounds? Check. Feel deeply loved and accepted? Check and check.

BAM. Humanities Tour down.

Things Learned this Semester Outside the Classroom

So, the spring semester of my sophomore year at Milli is finishing, so I thought I'd compile a list of things I've learned over the past 4 months.

- Hummus is expensive
- Hanny Mays is one of the funniest people I know... and does a mean Wobble
- I'm not the best actress
- It's [almost] death to have somewhere to be at 8 AM every day
- Relationships are more important than being on the Dean's List
- Cherry Limeaids from Sonic between the hours of 2 and 4 are the best
- Megan Foote counts the letters in my sentences
- I'm liking running even more
- I probably would not like myself if I was a professor... depending on the class
- Sleep is a beautiful treasure
- Every word that comes out of Meghan Wymer's mouth is worth paying attention to
- Cleaning Seeger in the morning is an incredible honor
- Pants are dumb (but I already knew that)
- Don't take 8 classes and have 2 work studies in one semester
- Meaghan Roland is the best classmate to have... and one of the most incredible friends
- ChickfilA coupons are little reminders that God loves me
- You should decorate your living space, even if you're only going to live there 4 months
- When you get a glimpse of Hannah Appel's heart, it's one of the most beautiful things you'll ever see
- This year's freshman class is fantastic
- I'm allowed to stick up for myself
- It is OK to have fun
- Never take for granted a warm, sunny day
- Sarah Bertelsen can make you feel loved and accepted just by smiling at you
- I'm a little messy
- Not everyone has unlimited texting
- Don't wait until midnight to take pictures due the next day
- No one ever goes to speech lab
- I am great at figuring out ways to make money
- I am blessed with great friends... the best, actually
- I don't function much after 1 AM
- Mrs. Anthony can make me feel really guilty
- God's love for His people is incredibly deeper than I could ever imagine
- Lindsey Meding is the person I can count on to be there 100% of the times I need her to be
- Mi casa es su casa
- Traveling Europe for a month is expensive
- Dr. Magness knows everything
- Eat Oreos in moderation
- One Tree Hill will never die
- I love working in the darkroom alone
- You can get cash back from the lady at the post office if you buy a 1 cent stamp
- Anna Dukart is incredibly gifted in so many areas
- Eating 10 M&Ms is apparently way too many
- Consistency in spiritual disciplines is needed, even when you don't feel like it
- Nursing students are hardcore impressive
- I will probably never join a campus organization
- Art shows have the best snacks
- A 15 minute car ride anywhere with Hannah is a thing to never say no to
- Brad Wallace can't remember a meeting for the life of him
- I can fall asleep with the light on
- Sometimes it's OK to show people you're sad
- Mandy Nydegger is the epitome of greatness
- I have three homes
- One notebook is all you need
- Zumba is the most fun workout in existence
- It's kinda intimidating, but oh so necessary, just to start talking about God in regular conversation
- I need to intentionally spend time with older adults while I'm here
- Molly Kate has some mean dance moves
- Don't take for granted Quesadilla Day, Greek Bar Day, or Fiesta Friday
- Dressing cute always makes a day at least a little better
- A cup of tea in Europe will be better than a cup of tea in Johnson City
- The world really is my oyster
- Meaghan Roland just gets me
- I will never regret a road trip with great friends to great places
- I like having long hair
- I'm kinda a North Face snob
- I don't get mad often. Like at all. I need to work on that
- Syd is the person to run with
- People here don't care about the Kentucky Derby
- How to properly cut a grapefruit
- I love the moment in a friendship when you can begin to be truly honest with the other person
- There's always time for a study break
- If you want to get anything accomplished in the library, go to the quiet section
- Snapchat is one of the best forms of entertainment
- Always have a sweet snack and a salty snack available in your room
- All I really want to do in life is love people... deeply and truly love them

Back at Milli

This post was inspired by fellow previous intern, Elizabeth Gentry.

For the past four weeks, friends have continued to ask me how I'm adjusting to being back at Milligan. I thought for my own sake, I'd record my thoughts concerning this matter.

I love being back at Milligan. I truly, truly, TRULY do. I love being back with my friends. I love attending all the random events like basketball games and res life funsies and college night at ChickfilA. I love being down the hall or across the parking lot from some of the best friends I could ask for. I love that I have access to Barberitos whenever I feel it. I love learning. I love being back with some of my favorite professors. I love getting to know the people I didn't before I went to Maryland. I love my two new work study jobs on campus. I love looking like a fool while doing Zumba every Tuesday and Thursday night. I love walking into the caf at 5:05 and being able to sit at any given table full of funny, lovely people. I love being back in the darkroom. I love contra dancing. I love that I love having time to myself. I love being back at Vespers. I love Sunday nights in the Word and prayer with friends. I am so grateful and happy to be back here!

Like Elizabeth said, Mountain kind of feels like a dream. It was undoubtedly the best experience of my life, but for some reason I don't think about it very often. I think about the people quite a bit, but in a "Oh my gosh, I love those people. They're awesome. I wish I could give them a hug right now." kind of way. I truly believe my contentment with being back at Milligan doing communal ministry here is a gift from God. I don't want to be moping around wishing I was doing ministry back in Maryland. I don't want to love being here but have another part of me secretly aching with nostalgia. I'm happy here.

The crap ton of homework part is driving me up the wall, but that's for another day.

Happy Friday!

101 of My Favorite Things About Maryland

I don't have enough time to explain this entire semester (you can ask me in person later), but I did want to come up with a list of my favorite things here that I'll miss when I'm gone.

1. Roundabouts
2. When Candy tells me "Be safe" every afternoon when I leave the office
3. Movie nights
4. Fighting with Wes every day
5. My very own theater
6. Having my own bathroom/bedroom
7. Traci's morning hug
8. Marge handing me a wad of cash every Thursday
9. Constant encouragement
10. Honest, gentle criticism
11. Tuesday Family Ministry meetings
12. The big purple chair in the preschool room
13. The success that is wearing jeans to work without getting reprimanded
14. The stars
15. Ben's preaching (unless I'm working and he goes way over)
16. Panera on a weekly basis
17. Staff meetings
18. Ethan when he REALLY gets laughing
19. Preaching biblical passages for the first time in class because of procrastination
20. Erin's hugs
21. 5¢ off every gallon of gas on Thursdays at the Shell station
22. Katie when she gets really excited about something
23. Conversations with Randy
24. That moment when Elsa decides that you're her friend for the rest of the day
25. Having access to a pool/hot tub
26. My confetti cupcake candle
27. Free laundry
28. Writing weekend lessons
29. Teaching weekend lessons
30. Fortunatos
31. Going through SPIES with Karla
32. Learning and growing with Michelle
33. Sunday nights at Chilis
34. Playing with Gracie's neck flap
35. The announcements in service
36. Asking Rob MacAnespie to show me his socks every time I see him
37. Brendan mishearing everything
38. Josh Dew's ridiculous questions
39. Rob Kasten's puns
40. Distracting Brittany Csar
41. All-staff emails
42. Everybody "Replying All" to all-staff emails
43. Tim Kick's servants heart and versatility of gifts
44. Going to bed by midnight
45. Hank Oliver
46. My 6th grade small group
47. Jenny welcoming me as I come into church
48. Being able (and encouraged) to pass people on the shoulder if they're turning left
49. The fact they announce every upcoming street with a street sign so you always know when you'll need to turn
50. Wes calling Nathan "Shootfire"
51. Wes announcing he needs to go to the "urination station"
52. Wes saying "What in TARnation?!"
53. 1/2 price burrito at Qdoba on Wednesdays and Thursdays
54. Isaac Fox's super cute face
55. Txting pictures of the politically incorrect MCS wall back and forth with Koco
56. Group lunches
57. Andrea Sung's smile
58. My heart feeling happy whenever Erin hosts the service
59. Serving being a natural part of staff culture
60. Blaine calling me an elf from Middle Earth
61. Kristina hacking my phone and office
62. ChickfilA dates with Bri
63. Running the hills of New Cut Rd (but not really)
64. Road trips with Emilee in the back seat
65. All Ravens games being televised
66. Being assigned really great ministry books to read
67. Proximity to NYC
68. Attempting to impersonate Traci's unnaturally high-pitched "Yippy Skippy!"
69. Bryant Magness's IQ
70. The fast-paced hysterical conversations between Renee and me
71. Girly conversations in the Children's Ministry office
72. Sarah Shuck claiming that she's taller than me
73. Lisa and Jill's homemade deliciousness
74. Any interactions with Rick Sisolak
75. Martina not letting me in the Children's wing without my badge
76. Hannah quoting Mean Girls
77. Having an adult pay for your meal almost every time you eat out with them
78. Having Monday AND Friday off
79. Brendan's humor
80. Emilee laughing hysterically at her own stories
81. Figuring out how to stay away from the flame and get everyone where they need to be
82. Having access to a kitchen
83. Parties at the Seiferts
84. Mary Jackson commenting on mine and Elizabeth's Facebook posts telling us how much she wants us back on Milligan's campus
85. Emilee not participating in anything on Wednesday nights because of XFactor
86. Being asked the same questions every Thursday at team lunches
87. Candy buying me Flavors cupcakes
88. Being able to write papers in bullet point format
89. Watching Nathan Hall lead both worship and our group
90. Seeing Elizabeth's face shine when she talks about her students
91. Being a Harford Fighting Owl
92. People that drive by and wave back at me while I run
93. Burger cookies
94. "Sneaking" a Lean Pocket into every Preaching and Teaching class
95. The initial awkwardness of intern meals at Mountain members' houses
96. Trying to check my host family's mailbox for my mail without them thinking I am creeping
97. Never figuring out if I should call it "Route 1" or "Belair Rd"
98. Always being on the lookout for deer
99. Being constantly referred to as the intern who likes "expensive food"
100. Laughing with the other interns
101. My Mountain Christian Church family

Comment your favorites!

He is Above All

There have been many instances, whether a sermon, a book, or a story someone is telling, when people speak of how their personal circumstances with others have shaped their view of God. Hopefully, these stories come from places of positive impact from others such as a stepdad who has adopted a daughter as his own, a mentor who has shown mercy and grace on who he/she is pouring into, or unconditional love from a spouse. Yes, hopefully those are the settings from which this feeling of relating God to human performance comes from.

Unfortunately, whenever it's been brought to my attention, it has almost always been because someone has negatively influenced another, thus altering their view of who God is. Maybe it's a dad who has never been present, therefore relating that feeling of fatherly abandonment to the feeling that God might abandon one day. Perhaps it's the rejection of someone you care about, creating the thought that you might not be good enough for Him. Or possibly it's the heartbreak from a significant other that causes you to think that His love just might not conquer all things.

The repetition of these types of testimonies has forced me to ponder my view of God. I have certainly been through some of these different scenarios (only to some extent), but for some reason I don't have any doubt whatsoever concerning the love, faithfulness, or grace of God. And I can most certainly assure you that it's not because I have a stronger faith or less sin in my life than anyone who has had their view of God altered in one or more of these ways. That theory can be 100% ruled out.

I think I've come to 2 conclusions to this thought:

1. I have had countless of those first examples in my life. They say it takes 10 positive statements to counteract 1 negative statement, right? Well, I've had 10 positive examples of people in my life that have counteracted those few examples of those who have hurt me. Women in ministry, families I babysit for, my own relationship with different family members, teachers, small group leaders, children. So many people have stepped up to love me and care for me. So maybe that's why my view of God doesn't change when the few hurtful ones do their job. Or maybe...

2. God is merciful. While reason number 1 maybe relevant, this is most certainly the answer. There are many times I can point to and ask, "God, why did you let this happen to me?" or say, "God, you failed me and my expectations AGAIN!" But God is his never-ending consistency has shown mercy on me over and over and over and over and over again. Ten-fold. And that attribute, His mercy, far outweighs the petty mistakes and evils people have committed against me. Thanks be to God that He is above all and in all, and may my view of Him continue to never be marred by the actions of mere humans.

We are His.

Although it should probably be a more regular feeling, these past two weeks I have come to deeply love my Jesus in a whole new way. In mentoring Maya, especially recently, I have caught a glimpse of how much Jesus must love us. In our friendship/mentorship, it has gotten to the point where when she is full of joy, it fills me with joy. On the other hand, when she is hurting, it hurts me right along with her. All I desire to do is to put her hardships and pains of life on me and just have me walk through middle school for her so she doesn't have to go through those years that nobody likes. 

And when I realized that this is how I genuinely feel towards her, it made me understand just a fraction of how God feels towards us as his children. When we are going through awesome times in life, He celebrates with us! And when we are going through periods when life hurts and we don't understand, His heart breaks for us. What we feel and experience, God feels and experiences, because WE ARE HIS. His image. His children. His sheep. His. 

So today I thank Him. Realizing the extent of His love has never floored me so completely. What Maya does doesn't affect my love for her. I simply desire the absolute best for her. What we do doesn't affect God's love for us. He simply desires the absolute best for us.

He's so good. He's so holy. He's so just. He's so loving. He's everything. And I am so thankful.

These are a Few of My Favorite Things...

These things can't be grouped together in any other way other than the fact that they're currently some of my favorite things:

Raindrops on roses.
Whiskers on kittens.
Bright copper kettles.

But really...

Lace headbands. So chic. So cheap.
The fact that I'm going to Europe for a month next year!
Harry Potter
Shutter speeds.
Twitter.
"Kisses from Katie".
The "cool" songs on the radio right now... 98.9 and 99.7 have been playing much more than normal recently... probably because the popular songs aren't all about sex this week.
Settlers of Catan.
Orange Leaf froyo.
Not wearing pants.
Spontaneity.
That feeling when my eyes meet his.
Passion 2012 CD.
Time with Maya.
Getting out of my summer class early every day.
Shorts that fit.
Instagram.

Him Alone.

He's worth it. Christ is everything.

And I need to act like I believe that.

Lessons I've Been Learning

I tweeted these (dmerante), but I thought I should update my blog as well! So here are some lessons God's been trying to teach me this past week. Difficult lessons, but necessary. Some I've been taught before; some are new. All are ones I need to listen to.

O. And 41 days until Disney World.

- I need to serve God not out of obligation, but because of his relentless love for me.

- Even when people fail, God's enough.

- I'm worth it.

- Sometimes resting is the most spiritual thing you can do.

- It's not even OK to have one person you make fun of people with. If you need to complain about someone, talk about them with God. It's actually a great heart-check. And freeing.

- When God takes things or people off the throne of your heart, He's all you have. And that's enough.

Insecurity

I'm not a surfacy person by any means. If I'm going to have a relationship (or even a conversation, for that matter) I'm usually going to try to get it to a deeper level, or at least to a level where I find more about the person to better relate to them in following interactions. So if you're my friend, beware. I really want to know YOU.

Over the past few months I've been reading "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. It's tough to read large portions with studying and such, but this week I'm trying to finish it. Not that I think it will cure my deepest insecurities, but because I think it will open me up more to who God says I am versus what other people say that I am.

Which brings me to the deepest rooted insecurity that I face: the fear that people secretly don't like me. Woah, didn't know it'd be that hard to put online. Some of you may be judging me for putting something like this on the Internet, but do you think I'd really rather you read about my plans for over break or new craft ideas than something that's actually important? I think not.

OK so back to my insecurity. Everyone has them, and for women especially, it haunts them. For some it's their weight. Some it's their appearance. Some it's their intelligence. Some it's their finances. Some it's their competency. For me it's being truly enjoyed by people. I want people to be around me. I want people to miss me when I'm away from them for a longer amount of time than normal. It sounds SO selfish, and I'm sure it is. But it's true.

(And don't read this post, feel bad, then send me a message, tweet, or txt telling me how much you love me and think I'm great.. OK, you can, but for some reason, even though I receive messages like these ALL the time, I crave for more.)

I guess that since I love telling people how much they mean to me, I expect other people to enjoy doing that as well. In reality, the thought probably doesn't cross their mind nearly as often as it does mine. People DO like me (granted, there are probably a few that don't, but for the most part I'm likable).

It's just this dang insecurity.

And I know exactly what events fueled it.

Changing schools in 6th grade and not having a single close friend for 2 years.

The boy I thought I loved randomly stop pursuing me, leaving me with a hundred questions.

Having two mentors in a row suddenly stop mentoring me, one even cutting off all communication for months.

I'm not throwing a pity party here. I'm just clearly defining my insecurity, hoping I can relate to someone going through something similar, comfort those who feel this way as well, and help those who need to clearly define what and how their deepest insecurity came to be. And maybe it'll help those of you who call me "friend" know me just a little bit better.