Lots and lots of deep thoughts have entered my mind lately. Some come at random times, others when I expect them, but they're there.
Thought #1
I've decided to become a Children's Minister.. I've already told you that. But as I was lying in the tanning bed (ultimate place for intimate thoughts, I know), I began to think, "Is it biblical for people to get paid for ministry?" It really began to trouble me over the next 13 minutes! Why I am going to train through 4 years of schooling in order to teach children about Jesus, receiving a salary? He CALLED us to preach to our surrounding nations (Acts 1:8), and callings like this aren't suggestions, they're commands. So shouldn't I be doing it anyway in ADDITION TO my career? I kept thinking and thinking, and soon I came to the realization that if there weren't ministers who were paid, then the inspired Word of God wouldn't be shared nearly as far as it has been. That's definitely sad, that money is what motivates our sharing of faith, but then I talked with my friend Emily when she (so graciously) came to help paint my room. She told me she had had a similar struggle at one point, because she's also going into some type of ministry. "BUT", she said, "I think the reality is you have to figure out what your motive for ministry is. Is it to make a living off the money you make, or is it to further the Kingdom through impacting children for Christ?" That sunk in. And it made sense. So, I'm not sure if I've fully grasped what ministry is, but I'm definitely thinking hard and trying to create a prayer life so completely focused on Christ. Which brings me to
Thought #2
Prayer. Goodness, that's my biggest struggle as a Christian: lifting things before God before trying to receive advice from my best friends or mentors. It's difficult for me to seriously offer all I am, who I desire to be, and who I need God to be FOR me. I think it shouldn't be, that it should be a natural process, but with all I have going on in life, whenever I have time to myself, I want to spend it sleeping, listening to the radio, or on some other mindless matter. I need to be still (Psalm 46:10). I need to treat Him like He's my best friend, before turning to Shelbi or Tammy. I need to acknowledge His power and might instead of leaving him on the wayside. It's so hard for me, and every time I sit down and decide to chat it up with Him, I end up getting scared or convincing myself that maybe I'll do it later. Stupid, stupid me.
Thought #3
Being enthralled by my Creator. This past weekend I was on a retreat with my Senior class, but it ended up being more like a mini senior-trip. Which I loved, but also came with drama and cliques. ANYWAYS. Deep conversation still happened, and I had the honor of listening in on one between two of my friends, Amy and Stephen. Both of them were talking about how amazed they were by God and His grace for them. Each of them traded back and forth stories and instances when they couldn't believe all God had done, and in all the ways He had redeemed them. As I sat in the van overhearing them, I realized they were almost arguing over who was worse and who God redeemed from the deepest. It was beautiful! Yet, I was so disappointed in myself for the way I lived.
I've always heard of Christ's love for me. Yes, God sacrificed His Son for me, and without that I'd have no hope and a future burning in Hell. But faith and believing has always come easily for me. Jesus loved me enough to die, and loves me enough to keep ensuring His grace on a minute-to-minute basis. I believe it, and believing it is so easy for me. But should it be? Should I simply accept the gift given? Amy and Stephen are so enthralled by his sacrifice and love. I'm certainly grateful, but I don't ever communicate my emotions toward that in a drastic manner, whether it be in fervent prayer or conversation with other believers (or especially NON-believers). Is it wrong to accept it so easily? Should I have such deep emotions towards it? What's your opinion?
More thoughts to come. Hopefully. :)
