I recently looked through my yearbook from my senior year of high school, and something caught my attention. Next to my senior picture my ambition stated, "To go to an awesome college, fall (and stay) madly in love with a man I'll call my husband, become a mother (yay!), and live a life full of the joy of the Lord." I remember as I was entering college I distinctly thought to myself, "If I don't have a serious boyfriend by Christmas Break, I'm going to be really upset." I laugh at myself now, partly because my ambitions look a little different and partly because I'm 22 and still haven't really dated anyone.
Here are my current (and jumbled) thoughts on all things dating/marriage/singleness:
I want to be married. I have an abundance of love welled up within me that I desperately want to give to a man. I want someone with whom I can show the rest of the world what the love of Jesus looks like. I want to know some of the innermost details of another's soul, both the messy and beautiful parts. I want to challenge and be challenged to pursue God with everything I am and do. I want to physically love and be loved in the most intimate of ways. I want to commit to being by someone's side for the long haul. I want someone to eat with after a long day at work. I want someone to explore new places with on my days off. I want someone with whom I can bounce my ideas off of and who can introduce me to new and better ways of thinking. I want to love someone even when they are frustrating me. I want to share the deepest parts of my heart with someone, knowing they're not going to go anywhere. I want to make and raise children as servants of God in a world that so desperately needs Light. I want to have a partner in my life of ministry.
That is something I would like so badly it sometimes brings me to tears.
However, it's something I'm OK not having. You heard me; I'm OK with not having that right now. I'm even OK with the possibility that I will never have it. Over the last couple of years God has graciously begun the transformation of my heart into one that finds its deepest fulfillment in Him.
Some people can't seem to understand that, though. Multiple times a week I hear things such as, "Danielle, I know the perfect man for you to date," "Have you met any guys you're interested in in St. Louis?" "I know God's protecting you from dating right now because He has someone great planned for you," and "You'll find someone soon; it's all in His perfect timing."
I know people say those things because they care for me. But even though it's something I desire, it's not something I need. And it's definitely not anything that's certain. Nowhere in Scripture am I guaranteed a spouse. Nowhere in Scripture does it say that if you're faithful to the ministry of God He'll reward you with a husband. I know many stunning, steadfast servants of God who have never been married. Statistically there's a decent chance it'll happen, but that percentage of probability is not 100%. It will never be 100%. And I'm OK with that.
My life as a single, Christian college graduate is beautiful. When I was considering jobs, I had no geographical boundaries. I didn't have to think about how my decision would affect another person. I didn't even have to ask someone else's opinion. These days if a friend asks if I want to do something at night or on the weekend I don't ever have to answer with, "Let me check with _________," or "I haven't spent much time with _________ this week, so I'll have to pass. Maybe next week." I can hold on to my dream of my future ministry in Europe without having to make sure someone else is on board with that dream.
Actually, in addition to being able to live a life with very few limits, as a single I can do 75% of the things I listed earlier, and maybe even do them better.
I have the distinct honor of being a vessel for the incredible ministry of Jesus Christ. Being young and single, those opportunities know few bounds. That is the way I want to live my life, and the only reason I'd even invite a man alongside me in this journey is if loving and being loved by him presented an even greater scope for ministry. I'm OK with where I am at this moment, and I'd love for you to be OK with where I am, too.
