Thump.

That's the endless feeling inside your soul when the person you look up to most tells you they don't want you anymore.
I really do not know why I'm posting this on the Internet for the world to see... Maybe because it gives a sense of comfort that if anyone does actually read this, they are most likely a stranger merely clicking a few accidental keys and winding up with their eyes and concentration falling into the lap of the deepest, most powerful emotions my heart contains.
When the person you look up to most tells you they don't want you anymore. Accuses you of something you didn't do, something they know you wouldn't do. Completely shuns you from their every day life of which you had played a role in almost each of those days. You just don't know what to feel.
Actually, in part, you do. You know you should be angry, lashing out at them, repaying for the hurt they have caused, and the endless tears you wish would cease but at the same time continue to flow freely. But, in my case, all I feel is love. Strange, isn't it? I want to be angry, stand up for myself, show who is boss, but whenever I consider those options, my heart just breaks all the more, because in those most vulnerable moments is when I long for her to hold me tightest. When I want her to wipe away my tears. To tell her I'm beautiful and that she loves me like she used to do.
I don't know where I'm heading with this. Even as I write, tears stream down my face in a state of confusion. My heart beats with such a seemingly slow rhythm it seems as though it may stop at any moment. It's heavy. So, so heavy.
When I see her, though, it starts to quicken its pace. Though brains naturally contain thoughts, my racing heart has thoughts of its own. "Will she say 'hi'?" "Will she wave?" "Will she acknowledge my existence?" "Will she run up and hug me and tell me it will all be all right?" These thoughts repeatedly consume me in the few milliseconds of first sight of her. Deep inside I know the answer, but that doesn't diminish initial hope.
When I'm at home, I find pictures or happen upon something that reminds me of her. Orange juice. What she told me to drink 2 days before this horrid journey began because I hadn't been feeling well. Boa and hat. Our team memorabilia at camp this past summer. Old texts. Sweet texts I had saved earlier, ones that told of how our friendship and relationship would never end. Everywhere I look, evil thoughts just consume.
I know this is the Devil's handiwork, and I'm allowing him full access into my life. I try to fit God in as often as possible, and though it is far more often than most proclaiming Christians, I know it is not through my hardest efforts. I find uplifting Scripture, advice from parents and friends, but nothing voids the hole. Christ should and easily can, but I'm in the process of trying to figure out how He's going about that route...
Thoughts just left my mind of what else to write about to try to describe exactly how I feel and respond to certain things. I'm tired. I'm numb. I yearn to find hope, peace, and joy through Him, and ultimately He will bring me to that point when the time is just as He would like. But, as for now, I'm sitting here in an endless wallow...

She's Just Her

This is a paper I had to write for AP English class about a point in time that changed my life...

Shelbi Draper. Say that name around this part of town, and most people will perk up their ears and perhaps even throw in a few good words or a story concerning her. OK, maybe not MOST people, but it sure does seem like it.

I admit I’m jealous. It has always been a natural feeling I have had when around Shelbi. Considering we are the best of friends, that cannot be healthy. It is completely a pride issue, because I undoubtedly crave other people’s awareness of my presence, whether physically or by mere mention while conversing. The looks, conversations, and attention enthrall me and cause my heart to feel as though it is on top of the world. Now that I have admitted my repulsive pride, selfishness, and jealousy, let us dig deeper to possibly see reasons, or inadequate excuses rather, for these issues.

All throughout her life, especially since the eighth grade when she reached a new level of maturity and intimacy with God, Shelbi has been someone people are naturally attracted to and also one of whom individuals admire. Walk into church? You can see middle-school students latched on to her like Santa in the mall on Christmas Eve. Parents with visible tears welling in their eyes tell of how she has inspired and encouraged them, their family, and their eighty-five million friends of whom they have told her story. Go to school? The sight of friends laughing hysterically along with her while assuming the look of complete respect is not unfamiliar in any way.

Though Shelbi knows the influence she has on countless people, I do not know if she understands how much her actions, words, and other human aspects get interpreted by others. She obtains qualities of a naturally born leader and this behavior can immediately be sensed as soon as one meets her or hear her speak of the journey on the path she now walks upon.

In March of the year 2009 Shelbi ventured to the doctor for the second time to discuss and question why she felt as though she were carrying bricks and weights upon her shoulders. She had been noticing for about five months the pain in her back and also how her legs seemed to be weakening. After many tests, her revealed diagnosis two months later was that of Muscular Dystrophy in the form of Limb Girdle 2A. This specific disease weakens the muscles that allow humans movement of their arms and legs. Later more tests resulted in Shelbi discovering that by the age of thirty-nine her only means of getting around would be by wheelchair, for she would soon lose control of the before-mentioned parts of her body.

I have no doubt she struggled with the news at times, for I walked alongside her through the entire process of diagnosis and as life continued afterwards. Well, my priorities had not been right through the beginning stages as they needed to have been. While I realized the extent and severity of it all, it was hard to understand all of which was happening and how much being there for her would have helped. Still, even after these past months, Shelbi has her moments where it is tough to understand and completely realize the extremity of it all; but to the public eye Shelbi has not yet appeared to skip even one beat. She immediately went to her faith and sought out opportunities to share her story in hopes that others would be able to see the hand of God in a seemingly hopeless and desperate situation.

I could not believe it. Well, actually I could because I knew Shelbi.

After a church trip to Panama City Beach this spring, I saw a glimpse of the reason God had allowed this disease to have its grasp on Shelbi. He knew she could handle this situation with more maturity and faith than most people who call themselves followers of Christ probably would contain if it had been them. And she is. To every fellow believer who has heard her tale and testimony, it is magnificent; but to see things behind the scenes, the strength she truly has? It is utterly breath-taking.

Shelbi does not want people to look at her any differently than they may have before they knew of her diagnosis. Seeing how this happens, I do not blame them because they just try to show a caring and concerned standpoint. But Shelbi is still Shelbi. Sure, she rides the elevator whenever and wherever she needs its assistance, difficulties arise when needing to sit on the floor, and she randomly collapses, but we make light of it. For instance, Shelbi started chasing Rachel down the hallway one afternoon, and Rachel turned around to face her and said, “You can’t catch me!”

Shelbi replied with, “Is that some kind of sick joke?” They all began laughing hysterically. Though a teacher yelled at them for causing a rowdy ruckus in the middle of a class period, instances like that keep the mood gentle and comical. These aspects assist in helping Shelbi remember she is not defined simply by the disease she beholds. Señora Cottrell, Shelbi’s sophomore Spanish teacher says, “What does a teenager do with diagnosis of MD? According to Shelbi, take the elevator flashing a smile, be a friend while leaning on one (or two), and ace the next quiz living her faith as usual.”

A serious struggle of mine is showing the quality of compassion physically and also emotionally, and most cannot even tell of visible proof of care (i.e. tears) for her that has been shown by me throughout this whole process. The thing is, I have my moments, but like I said before, I still see Shelbi as Shelbi. Of course I can see how the MD affects her physically, but by this point in time it seems normal. Is that bad to say? That the fact my best friend most likely is on her way to being unable to move herself like humans are meant to seems normal? Gosh, when put into writing, it seems as though I must be the worst human being on this planet. The sheer fact that her mental, emotional, and spiritual stability is so visible outweighs her physical stability.

Like I have earlier stated, I am an extremely selfish human being, and not only did Shelbi’s diagnosis with muscular dystrophy make and impact on classmates, her family, teachers, and church members, my pride took a major blow.

I was already in [what I thought was] the shadow, hidden by her “greatness” in the viewpoint of all mutual acquaintances. She was freshman, sophomore, AND junior class president (and I vice-president), on homecoming court, loved by all, respected by more, completely gorgeous, and now she had become more widely-known because of her disease.

Our church newspaper, which is distributed weekly to tens of thousands of people all over the United States, chose Shelbi’s story to be put on the front page along with pictures of Shelbi and her brother, Dakota, and quotes from our youth pastor. Her [much desired by almost every girl at Whitefield] boyfriend, Kevin, works at Shoe Carnival. His naturally critical and stern boss’s boss glanced at Shelbi’s article in the paper mounted on the wall of the office and immediately told Kevin to communicate to Shelbi she could come into his store and pick out any pair of shoes she so desired. She also became well-acquainted with many people of our church who would be at the head of the “important people at Southeast” list if there had been one. My best friend was a star.

Goodness, those words contain a sense of awfulness which surprises even me as I sit here.

Alas, I continue to write this in the midst of slowly learning the lesson of humility. Throughout the past few years she has always been a shoulder to cry on, the friend to call, and the one whom advises and encourages me while I am amidst spiritual warfare. God knows Shelbi has come alongside me though the toughest parts of my own life. I assume He would like me to do the same for her.

I have absolutely no problem in helping Shelbi. I love it! It is understood by me without ANY doubt that God is using this situation and my best friend’s personality, strengths, and weaknesses, to change many lives; anything I can assist in in accordance with His plan will be accomplished with all the effort and happiness my being beholds. This process just, with difficulty and reluctant surrender, is coaching me on how to obtain humility in the most powerful and effective way humanly possible. How do you cure someone of pride? Put someone in front of them of who cannot do anything about their own situation.

Do I think Shelbi was diagnosed with MD in order for God to teach me to be humble? Of course not. It is just another bolt of my own life God is tightening throughout this lifelong journey Shelbi Draper gratefully endures.

Pressure

I've never really thought much about pere pressure. I mean, I can see it and its effects, but I never really got pulled into the whole messy process...
Until now. Well kinda. I mean I've just been thinking about it a lot more lately. You see, almost every one of my friends has a boyfriend or someone of that nature. My sister's getting married. My best friend is dating the "most wanted" guy in our high school. My friends are always going on dates or hanging out with their boys. And I'm here. Thirty minutes away from everyone at school. No boyfriend. And different. And I always thought it was a good different, but I see how my life doesn't attract many, and quickly pushes the ones that are slightly interested away. But it's me. I'm different, and I've always been happy with that. And I still am. It's just tough.
Concerning boys, I'm pretty sure there's a guy out there who's actually pretty cute, likes me, and would be a fantastic boyfriend. I know he'd make me happy and I'd love it, but I don't get the butterflies. I don't get all nervous and giggly around him or wait for him to text. And I don't want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. But I often think of how much happier I'd be.
It's wrong (I KNOW!) to look away from God for happiness, but it's difficult not to. No excuse. I know. But I would like someone here physically. I don't know.... Just a lot on my mind lately. Everything's changing. Everyone's changing. Including me.

Where I Live, What I Live For

A state of confusion, irritation, uncertainty envelopes the minds of thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands of adolescents walking amongst many of their kind within the walls of a place where all are forced, yet few enjoy. High school is meant to be a setting of which compels teenagers to “broaden their horizons” or “conquer their dreams” when in reality, it has simply become a venue for awkward situations, loneliness, and few memories worth holding onto in between.

No, no, no. Taking students out of their site of education is most definitely not the correct way to handle this situation. Every young person will have to endure this position at one time or another, and despite my previous description, I am certainly an advocate for schooling children. I myself have gone through this entire experience and can vouch for the value of a high school education despite knowing the arduous effects the social circle will undoubtedly have on each student.

Schooling does not only consist of mathematics, science, history, and language courses, but also of a communal portion which has earlier been spoken of. One can dwell on the seemingly negative aspects such as peer pressure from fellow classmates, parental expectations never to be lived up to, etc, but if looked at through a magnifying lens, these outlooks can be reversed with a positive spin. Though never intentionally wanting to walk through these phases, they have strengthened, prepared, and challenged my faith and also my independence by unimaginable means.

I do not believe there is an easy technique, or any technique for that matter, to distinguish the destructive ways of high school students in general; but there is no doubt in my mind brief, miniscule seconds of relinquished joy, cheer, hope, can assist in adding to those times of what seems like, or may be, despair. Goodness knows how many instances have occurred when the upturning of a friend’s lips or perhaps the words spoken from those same lips, or wait! the mere presence of that friend, has cast a ray of light upon the dreary heart which envelops my whole being.

To many, it may seem unnecessary, the sheer approach of a grin and the few words aptly spoken from another human, but it is most certainly what I live for.

I'm Actually Really Not Sorry [at all]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I care more about sleep than my beauty. I'm sorry I can't hold it together all the time. I'm sorry I find learning from adults more intriguing than listening to the petty drama of teenage life. I'm sorry kids bring me joy I can't comprehend. I'm sorry I don't have a boyfriend. I'm sorry I enjoy acting out Christ's story for months. I'm sorry I don't hate all the homework we're given and don't complain about it constantly. I'm sorry I live far away from everyone else and have to pay for my own gas. I'm sorry my parents want me to spend SOME time at home. I'm sorry I try to give people a reason to go to work and serve a hateful human population. I'm sorry I like to bowl. I'm sorry I find Español to be the most beautiful language in the world. I'm sorry I like being noticed (pride. a huge fault.) I'm sorry I like alone-time at times. I'm sorry I try to be friends with people who are "different". I'm sorry I'm loud. I'm sorry I like Disney Channel. I'm sorry I love love stories. I'm sorry I don't curse. I'm sorry I've never kissed a boy. I'm sorry I'm not a size 2 or even 4. I'm sorry I don't play your sport. I'm sorry I don't have a fancy house (like you'd even know). I'm sorry I've had crushes on "weird" guys before. I'm sorry I don't wear bikinis. I'm sorry I have an odd taste in music. I'm sorry I can't sing well. I'm sorry I go to Southeast. I'm sorry I like to keep the money I earn and ask for people to pay me back. I'm sorry I like Facebook too much. I'm sorry I am different.
I am sorry I am me.

Life has Slowed Down... Just Kidding.

In the past month since I have posted I have:
1. Quit my job I have been at for 2 1/2 years.
2. Found out Easter Passion was canceled.
3. Begun playing basketball (after I swore I never would again).
4. Kept a 4.0.

Wow. Two months ago I never would have imagained 3 of those 4. Well, I guess it's just funny how God works. I wonder where I will be another month from now!
Tomorrow I am meeting with my school counselor and mother to try to decide more about my future: where I'll go to school, what I want to study, how I can keep up my grades, etc. That should be interesting.
Oh! On Sunday I'll be heading to Cherokee Park with the Jenkins's to take their fall family photos! I really hope they turn out OK.. Maybe I can even start a side business!
All in all, life is incredible right now. I serve (or try) an incredible God who is gracious to me even when I feel I don't want him to be. I have a pretty great family who is always there, and who is slowly coming closer together (btw, Alex asked my dad for permission to marry my sister! he said YES!). My CGroup is becoming close again, and it helps a whole whole lot. My relationship with friends keep going on and off... Well it's always on, but the strength keeps changing.. Oh well. Life is better than it has been in quite a while, and there's nothing to complain about!

He is jealous for me,Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.When all of a sudden,I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,And I realise just how beautiful You are,And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,Oh how He loves us,How He loves us all.

Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves.Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about, the way…

He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Oh how He loves.Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves.

Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died, And You met me between my breaking.I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony. ...They want to tell me You're cruel, But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Cause He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us.Whoa! how He loves us. Whoa! how He loves.Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves.

.

I'm frustrated.

Pray Continually...

I have a lot of praying to do in the days ahead concerning what I need to do concerning work. I absolutely LOVE my job, and I have been there for almost 2 1/2 years. The thing is, I think I might be called right now to come alongside some of the girls in my grade and just walk with them through life. I think it'd be awesome to help them when it doesn't seem like anyone cares. I know what it feels like to be lonely, and if I can help just a couple people, I would be delighted.
The thing is, I need an income. I am a teenage girl. I drive (gas), shop, go to the movies, EAT. If I quit my job, bye-bye life.
I have started to think... if I start getting enough babysitting jobs I can make enough money just off of that. I absolutely love babysitting, and it would be very flexible. DANG I can even make my own hours! Now all I need is a few more clients, and I'm good to go. So... if anyone actually reads this thing, need a babysitter? :)

So yeah, I have a lot on my mind these days. Not only work-related, but with boys (or A boy), friends (friends?), stretching myself too thin amongst homework, volunteering, and Subway. Gosh I just need to be in a constant mode of prayer, don't I?

1 Thessalonians 5:17

Taylor Swift Pictures

Best friend and I waiting for concert to start!

"You Belong With Me"

"Love Story".. LOVE the set :)

Best friends!
Kellie Pickler and Taylor

"Should Have Said No" drumming

Finale!

So Much Going On..

Life has been so incredibly hectic since school started 3 1/2 weeks ago! The stress that i have allowed to come upon me is INSANE... i have no idea how i'm going to handle it all year.

Well, last night i went to the fair with Shelbi to walk around then see the TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT. Let me tell you. Gloriana opened first, but we didnt know who they were, so we just left to go potty and grab a delicious elephant ear. We came back to our seats (which were in the center aisle on the main floor, kind of far back. but GREAT seats) and sat down to watch Kellie Pickler. She completely rocked the house and Shelbi and i were screaming her lyrics out like none other.

Then, oh my freaking gosh, Taylor Swift came out. I'll have to post pictures later, but it was the best performance ever seen. She had 9 outfits, acted out a large portion of her songs, and the set was incredible! From glamour, to throwing chairs, to hot boyz, to confetti, banging drums, a piano she played, about 4 acoustics, OH MY GOSH. she was completely awesome. shelbi and i stood for most of the concert and belted our little hearts out! i took 30 videos and about 190 pictures. every penny was well spent.

if any of you actually read this blog, you have to see taylor live. i'll probably go again next year... WOW.

i promise, i'll finish posting my dominican stories soon. maybe. :]

P.S. OH YEAH! i saw 3 movies last week: "my sister's keeper", "the time traveler's wife", and "julie and julia". they were all pretty good, but "julie and julia" was incredible. a little long, but definintely worth the absurd $9.50.

With Malice Toward None - Favorite Quotes

Sorry I have yet to finish posting my Dominican journal entries, but before I do that, I want to share with you some of my favorite quotes from the book I just finished reading - "With Malice Toward None - a Life of Abraham Lincoln"

"
-The legitimate object of government is 'to do for the people what needs to be don, but which they can not, by individual effort, do at all, or do so well, for themselves.'

- ... a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.

- He always told only enough of his plans and purposes to induce the belief that he had communicated all, yet he reserved enough to have communicated nothing.

- This is a world of compensations; and he who would be no slave, must consent to have no slave. Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves.

- You speak of Lincoln's stories. I don't think that is a correct phrase. I don't make the stories mine by telling them. I am only a retail dealer. Some of the stories are not so nice as they might be, but I tell you the truth when I say that a funny story, if it has the element of genuine wit, has the same effect on me that I suppose a good square drink of whiskey has on an old toper; it puts new life into me.

-I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.

- As always, he pardoned convicted deserters on any reasonable pretext. 'There are already too many weeping widows in the United States. For God's sake do not ask me to add to the number.'
"

DR - Day 5

July 26, 2009
We got to sleep in until 8:30 today!

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This morning we went to a Spanish church. When we arrived, it was hot, and they sang like 5 Spanish songs. It would have been fine if not so hot! Then we unknowingly were called to the stage to sing "From the Inside Out". Midway through, we started a Spanish/English harmony and it was so so awesome and breath-taking. Then we sat down and listened to a 45 minute sermon on addictions. Good sermon, but nothing I hadn't heard before, and it was pretty dull. One line : "That was the day I hit my bottom."

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Lunch. FLAG FOOTBALL. I wasn't planning on playing b/c of heat, lack of inhaler, and exhaustion, but with quick spurts and a breeze, I played the whole time. Of course, I give Bailey a concussion when her head hit mine as she grabbed for my flag. She's now at the Dominican hospital... Pray!

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Bailey's OK. YAY!
OK so we just had the best part of the trip. We went to church down in the hole. The kids were attached immediately, and as you can see, on drew on the next page (of my journal. not shown here) ☺. I love the kids and their joy. The cute little boys mimicking the drums stole my heart. WOW God ROCKS!
We came home, ate an OK dinner, and spent 2 hours telling stories, worshipping, and thanking God. He's incredible.

DR - Day 4

July 25, 2009
This morning has been incredible. First, we went and toured the school. It had 477 students last year. We saw where the laptops we brought down would go. They explained the schedule, history, plans, and financial aspects. It was extremely interesting (and TOASTY).
We're now leaving the "hole" where we toured and did VBS. This place was utterly disgusting. Pigs were in the river, trash 30 feet or more high, shacks for houses, adorable kids I fell in love with.
We began VBS with songs (Jesus Loves the Little Children, The B-I-B-L-I-A, Happy Day, and C-R-I-S-T-O). Then, with the assistance of a translator, read the prodigal son and from 1 John. After that was crafts, and we made foamy decorative memory verses. The kids were so happy, and I was sad to leave.

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We ate lunch, then headed to a little church somewhere. While waiting for kids to get there, a guy told us how Dominicans and Haitians don't get along, but inside that church they do! I thought it was neat...
Anyways, we began VBS again, and it went better than try #1. Drive home. Shower. Head to Felix's house.
At Felix's house we had the best time yet! We ate yummy pork, held a cat, and Shelbi, Mrs. Draper, and I had a hootin' good laugh.
...
After a few hours there, we came back for an awesome worship session. We shared "changing" stories, funny stories, and others. I came downstairs and talked with Shelbi. She gave me awesome advice for things of life :)
I love my best friend.
I still don't know why I'm here.

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Ooh I forgot to tell something funny! Today at the feeding center there was this boy just mad at the world. He wouldn't eat his food, and I wanted to find out why. The girls around him were trying to explain it to me through hand motions. So. I squished his banana. That's not what he wanted. The end.

DR - Day 3

July 24, 2009
I woke up a tad sore this morning (6:30!). We ate a delicious breakfast of eggs & bacon then headed to the work site. For some reason I was really excited and ready to dig. I did work really hard and was a BEAST if I do say so myself...
Now I'm resting after lunch. Woo-boy I'm hurting!

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Second session of digging? No likey so much. It was HOT and I barely got anything accomplished. Agh. Oh well.
I took a nice shower and now I'm waiting for dinner then BOWLING.
Note:
I'm having a much better time. I'm so glad God has blessed me with a better attitude. I often think about Juli and Bobby and if they safely got to Cuba. I miss her a whole bunch! Can't wait to talk to her ASAP and see her in less than 9 days... ♥

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I just love nights here. We always do something fun! Tonight we headed off to bowling after dinner! It was so fun... pictures, bowling, cheap dt. coke, laughs. I'm finally glad I'm here ☺.
The lanes were NICE! Soon after we began game #1, the lights dimmed down and we glow-bowled. Steph and I had a blast taking pics, and I just loved hanging around new friends!
Then the girls played a fun game not to be revealed... ;)
Anyways, here's some random things about the trip:
-Throw toilet paper in trash, not toilet.
- Wear bug spray EVERYWHERE.
- Crazy driving.
- Loud people in streets.

DR - Day 2

July 23rd, 2009
I really don't know why I'm here yet. Will I make any sort of difference on this team? In my life? In this beautiful country?

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I have narrowed my occupation desires. I will NOT be a hole digger. We just spent about 6 hours digging the foundation for a church, "Cuerpo de Christo". Let's just say I probably won't be able to move tomorrow when we head off to the construction site again...
I'm still not sure why I'm here. All I really want to do is A) Go somewhere air-conditioned B) Sit down and have a full-out conversation in Spanish or C) Go home and see family/Juli and Bobby off to Cuba. It's weird how much I miss home. I just wish I had some sort of communication with them.
As for now, I am cleanly sweaty, waiting for dinner, and anticipating our trip to the grocery store... ♥

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I find it rather funny I put a heart at the end of the last entry... the grocery was a total blast. I bought some stuff for Dad, Juli, Alex, and Bobby. While Shelbs and I were going down the cart-escalator (SO cool!), these 2 guys started talking to us in Spanish, then English. Umm... HOTT!
We got to the bottom, and one of them asked me to stroll with him through the store. I awkwardly declined, but he insisted on following me and Shelbi along with his friend b/c they were "walking in the same direction". We soon lost them in our laughing haste. ☺
Later, we all headed up to the food court where Shelbi and I split an ice cream for 100 pesos (35 pesos=1 dollar). Then we proceeded to check out (this one guy told me, Stephanie, and Angela we had "bonito ojos". Sigh. I could get used to this country!
When we got home we were all dog tired. When pushing down the DEET wipes Angela had used I got my finger stuck. Probably of of the worst pains I've ever experienced! It turned white then purple as Beth tried bending the prongs back to free the finger. Tab went to get scissors, but when she finally arrived with them, I had already started bending the 3rd prong. I was finally free. Good night...

Journal Entries from the Dominican - Day 1

Hey, followers! Here is pretty much my entire collection of journal entries from when I was down in the Dominican. Enjoy...

July 22, 2009
So we were supposed to arrive in Santiago, DR yesterday at 8:30 PM. It is now 2 PM the next day and we're finally on our way there. Here's the story:
Yesterday my whole family woke up at 3:45 AM to take me to the Louisville airport. We easily checked in, said prayers/goodbyes, and took off. We arrived safely in Chicago around 6:30 and snuggled in to wait out our 6 1/2 hour layover. A few hours later a few of us decided to start "ghosting" people. It's where you follow someone extremely closely until they notice or it gets boring. I was so nervous the first time, but soon found I was pretty good at it! We had a blast.
We then proceeded to wait the remainder of the time.
Then our flight got delayed from 12:35 to 2:45. We wouldn't be able to catch our flight from Miami to Santiago! Great...
After boarding the plane and waiting 1 1/2 hours (9 1/2 after arriving at O'Hare), we finally took off for Miami. We arrived safely around 8:30 PM and then waited about another hour while the flight situation was figured out. Ate dinner and headed to the nice Holiday Inn booked for us. Oh, btw we didn't have our luggage, and we was STANKY!
Woke up around 10:15 AM after a wonderful night's rest. One group of 8 left for Santiago at 11. My group of 16 left the hotel to catch our 1:10 flight to Puerto Plata, where we would catch a bus to Santiago.
Well, when we get to the airport, they tell us our flight is overbooked. Matt, being the superhero he is, proceeded for the next 2 hours to squeeze us onto the plane. Guess where a few of us got to sit? First class, baby! Warm towels, plush seats, steak, beans, rice, salad, and cheesy bread for lunch.

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We safely got to Puerto Plata. YAY! We filled out some stuff, went through security, and got on our nice, air-conditioned bus (Southeast Express). As we drove through the DR, we saw so much beauty and poverty. The guys of the DR loved seeing pretty American girls, so the smiled, blew kisses, and cleaned our windows. It was entertaining. ☺
We finally got the GO house, and we settled in. Later, we headed up to dinner. We ate rice with ham stuff, fried bananas (gross), incredible fruit, and some bread. After a few minutes of chilling we all walked down the street for ice cream...

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After that we had a meeting where one of the staff ladies went over rules. They fed us fruit, chips, and salsa, and I volunteered to do dishes along with Emily S. and Ashley. Then we shared stories, went over scheduling, sang a few worship songs, and headed to bed amidst the noise of the streets.

dominican

I'm leaving for a 7 day mission trip the Dominican Republic this Tuesday at 6:30 AM. All prayers are much appreciated!! Will post pictures and stories when I return. ♥

Goin' Bananas! (Camp 2009)

Last night I got home from spending 3 days with about 170 3rd-5th graders, and boy did I have the time of my life!!

You see, my summer hadn't really begun until I crossed the bridge heading over to Underwood Indiana's Country Lake Christian Retreat. Now I finally had something to do, and I would be spending the next few days with most of my favorite people and some kids I would soon learn to adore.

Day 1:
Drove up to the camp and got unpacked in my top bunk Arapaho 1. Convinced Juli to switch over cabins, and we headed off to the counselor's meeting. We learned the rules, changed into our "Goin' Banana's" t-shirts, and headed to our spots for opening day. I was to unload bags and welcome kiddos to camp...


Kids arrived, got checked in, and we headed to pizza party, worship, and team time. Juli (dorm mom) went over the rules and got asked about 30 questions. You can see how tired she was already...


Bed time! Lights out :)
Juli and I didn't sleep very well the first night. Especially her. You see, she had forgotten her pillow, so I gave her mine. Woke up a couple times throughout the next few hours (it's hard to sleep without a pillow). Soon (around 3 or 4) I feel a pillow being tossed onto my bunk. I hit it back down, because she needed it more than I did. Sadly, my pillow stayed on the floor the rest of the night, and neither of us got any sleep.

We spent the rest of the week falling in love with the kids in our group (SILVER!), worshiping an awesome God, dancing like crazy, and doing every possible little thing to make the kids love us and love HIM more. It was freakin' awesome. I had a blast hanging with Juli, Tammy, Rebekah, and all the other leaders there. Met some new friends, got a few favorite kids, and was just so happy with life. It was an awesome week, and I wish I could do it all over again. and again. and again.

Finished the days off with 6 baptisms and 6 other decisions for Christ. PRAISE GOD!

Here are some more pictures from the week:

Tootie Fruitie
a little fruitie, and sometimes a lot Tootie

Water Balloon Slingshot!

Baptisms!

"Urination"

Fruit Flusher
(and yes, I did have to go into this crazy contraption :)

Slip-n-Slide

Time of Rhyme with Fruita D'loom

Bottle Cap Baseball ♥

J5 Residence

Today I spent the day at the Jenkins 5 residence. First, Juli, Bobby, and Alex picked me up and we headed to Wendy's for lunch with Mr. Big Daddy Jenkins. YUM! Then we drove over to Renaissance Fun Park to do a little go-kart riding, laser tag, and arcade games. The trip got cut a little short when Bobby and Alex ran into each other during laser tag, and Alex sliced a little one in his forehead...

So we left and got 1/2 priced Sonic drinks. Again, Jules paid, and she ordered me a strawberry slush. It was good until the chunks started coming up my straw..


We headed back to the Jenkins house, and we lounged around watching Wipeout. VERY comical! Then Jules started making a dinner she had found from Sandra Lee on the food network. We had incredible cheese bread and pretty spicy noodles and sausage stuff.. the recipe is here, and extremely recommended!!

I really enjoyed just cooking with Juli. There's not a whole lot of cooking done around my house (and that's fine!), so it was fun to learn how to do a few things and use a few tools... just a little more preparation for Danielle as a mom time! LOL

OH YES! We also had peach dessert... Recipe here. It was delicious! It was peaches in peach sauce, covered with crumbled graham crackers, covered with vanilla ice cream, covered with homemade whipped cream. With my lack of a liking for peach flavored things, I didn't want to try it, but I did.. and it was worth a sigh of contentment ♥.

Who Even Knows

Life's been crazy lately. Feels like I've been PMSing on a constant basis... Don't know really what's going on.

Actually I do.

Everyone needs to feel loved. Every girl needs to feel loved. Every teenage girl needs to feel loved.

Deep inside, I know I'm loved beyond recognition. Loved by my Saviour, loved by my family, loved by those around me... but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it.

It's insane, I know. But I've learned that it's normal. Girls seek validation and worth from other people, and that's exactly what I do. I determine people's love for me by how much they tell me I mean to them, and how much they seem to want to be around me. Juli recently told me, "Don't go looking for your worth in people, things, or relationships... Always know that no matter what... you are worth more than you will ever know..."

It's incredible how much we allow other people's reactions to us determine where our emotions are. I'm trying to learn how to be content with how HE views me.

No Boyfriend, No Problem (Love Languages)

That's the mindset I am trying to convince myself to behold. It is incredibly difficult, but I'm going through the persuasion process that God will send someone in His timing. Danggg..

OK so over the past year I've been learning quite a bit about the 5 Love Languages. They are Quality Time, Encouraging Words, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts. About 2 months ago I read the book explaining and giving helpful hints about each.

Everyone has one main LL (Love Language), and most people have a secondary. For example, my mom likes for others to speak the "language" of Acts of Service. I, on the other hand, have found Physical Touch to be the one I appreciate most. Over the past few weeks I have discovered that it's FREAKING hard to be a single, Christian, teenage girl that comes from not a very touchy-feely family and have that be your dominant LL. I need someone to hold my hand when I'm at church, watching a movie, or just at home chilling. I need someone to hold me for hours when all I need is comfort, or someone to stroke my hair as I fall asleep. Those are things I desire desperately to have, but I can't.

Juli Jenkins. I've mentioned this wonderful woman in posts before, and here she comes again =) Her help for me in this area means more than she knows. I love it when during church, Bible Study, or just riding in the car I can reach my hand over to her lap, and she'll just hold it. That speaks so much love to me, ahh I can just sigh thinking about it. And I love just stroking her hair during Sunday service. I mean, if she did it to me, that'd be 10x better, but I don't need to be greedy. I admit, it probably looks odd to others around us seeing 2 women holding hands, but hey. It's what I need. She's a good enough friend to get past the "ridicule" and give me what I need, and I am greatly thankful.

So what's your love language? I suggest the book to anyone: teen, married, single, divorced. It's such a beautiful and eye-opening concept.

I'm Building a Playground!

I'm Building A Playground and I need your help!!

Update

1. I have no significant other.
2. It's summer time! ☼

Life has been so strange lately. A TON of Subway and babysitting ($$), boy confusion, friend confusion... it's all crazy. I seriously hope this week brightens up so I can have a great start to summer.
I want to hang out with my friends all the time. I want to make money. I want to continue to be in awe of God's glory. I want him. I want new music ideas. I want to complete the Love Dare for my mom. I want to be able to drive by myself. I want, I want, I want.
I need to see His beauty. I need healthy relationships. I need to care for His people with a strong desire. I need my family.

Craziness!

Glory to God Forever

As my family and I were walking through Cave Hill cemetery this past Memorial Day, I began humming a familiar tune:

"Take my life and let it be all for You and for Your glory. Take my life and let it be Yours."

[[only God]]

I came to a realization yesterday during worship at Collide... had a breakthrough moment about how God must feel when we choose others over Him.

We all have a little green monster inside of us. Jealousy comes out in so many ways, especially with friends or parents. If my best friend began having a relationship deeper with another friend, I would get jealous... I HAVE before. There's hardly anything worse than knowing someone you care so much for cares for another in the same way at a deeper level. Sinking stomach...

God feels the SAME way! Think about it..

God Always Provides...

I haven't mentioned it on here, but if I actually do have any readers, you probably know I'm going to the Dominican Republic at the end of July for a mission trip. I got an email today stating that 20 people have supported me thus far... and $1450 of the $1575 has already come in!! I need continued support, because if our group raises $5000 more than required, we get to do something special for the people down there!! God is so incredible, and I am so extremely happy to be taking part in this mission to spread His name :)

Life Nowadays..

Where do I even start?
I guess I just have to simply echo Matt Reagan's message from this past Sunday: "Storms gather, even when every day starts like any other... the problem is not the storms; they're always going to come. The problem is we treat Him as average... We serve and uncommon God."

This is so incredibly true, and I'm learning more and more about this each day. For the most part, life has been so incredible this past month. Even through the storms, you have GOT to learn to dance in the rain.

Who knows what is coming next?

So There's a Boy...

Yes. It's true. God has [[finally]] placed a guy alongside me :) His name is Zach.

OK I'm going to tell you the long story, because I'm in Yearbook (Facebook) class and have nothing to do...

It kind of all started last summer... I met Zach's mother in our summer Bible study on Heaven my sister and I attended. We didn't really talk, but were acquainted enough to become Facebook friends.

Fast forward 6 months to January. Easter Passion choir practices have just begun, and I log into Facebook. Juli's status reads something along the lines of "Juli might switch over from alto to soprano". That's exactly what I had been thinking of doing!! Fate? I think so...

Fast forward 2 months. It's now March, and Juli and I have become the best of friends LOL (who freakin' cares about the 19 1/2 year age difference.. i've always been like this!). Juli talks about her son, Zach, all the time... asking advice, telling stories, etc. I thought to myself (briefly) "Hmmm.. I could like this kid". The thought was erased from my mind as soon as I learned of the 16 month age difference... and he was the younger one.

Then I met Zach. Didn't really think anything of it. Then I saw him when he came to drop off his brothers Alex and Bobby at the Passion. I found out what seats he'd be sitting in, and decided to change my Triumphal Entry spot for the night so I would be so lucky to walk past this fellow... I'm clever, I know.

Then came Cici's. The whole cast and crew went to Cici's for a party after one of the Friday performances. Zach came along. I pulled my friend, Brooke, aside and asked her if she thought it would be weird if I began taking interest in a freshman. "No, that's not weird at all! He's cute, you should do it!", she replied. Hmmm. I could like this kid...

So I turn on my flirt. I see him, I talk... giggle... the whole bit. I've learned how to do this really well, if I say so myself...

Fast forward a week or so. It's time to leave for Panama City Beach, and guess who is going on the trip? Zachary Allen Jenkins. I see him with my BFF Juli and their family. I talk to Jules a little bit, but she soon disappears to do things. Zach stays behind. I flirt. Hmmm... I could really like this guy...

We depart from the church to head to Florida. Our bus stops, and I'm still a little drugged up. I planned on sleeping while everyone goes to McDonald's and Burger King, but soon find out we'll be there for over an hour. Time to flirt... I search for Zach (nonchalantly, of course), and find him with his friends in Burger King 10 minutes later. I pull up a chair and sit. I figure out that he's pretty funny. Hmmm... I could really like this dude...

Him, his friends, and I walk over to the gas station. He helps me minimize boxes at the gas station (we're BOTH nerdy). Butterflies have started. Hmmm... I think I really might like this guy...

OK so by now I can't stop thinking about him. AHHH. We get to the beach, and the next day we talk for about an hour and a half. Just talk. It's incredible :) The next day, it's raining. Darn. We talk again. For hours. Next day, we go on the beach and talk. Again. We start asking each other questions. He finally gets to the point. "Who do you like?" My heart leaped. I really like this guy...

We sit on the beach talking for a while longer about what we expected in a relationship and how we thought his mom would react (was scaring the crap out of me). I told him I wanted to go get advice from my Cgroup leader, Emily. He said he'd go chat with Chad and Matt, our youth leaders.

I go talk to Em, and she gave me GREAT advice on how she came home from Bible and Beach with a new boyfriend every year, and how I had to be careful. What I expected, and I'm glad she spoke the truth. Zach talked to Chad for a bit, and Chad gave some awesome advice and complimented me (I was happy). Then came the chat with Matt...

Zach went to Matt during dinner and asked about how he should pursue me. Matt asked him if he was grounded in a Cgroup. Zach wasn't. Matt asked him if he could wait 3 months to date me. Zach replied that he'd wait as long as he'd have to (AWWWW). Matt told him he should wait 3 months while he got into a Cgroup and made great guy friendships.

Zach and I started counting the days. 91. 90. 89. 88. 87. I soon found out I couldn't wait that long. I talked to Zach, and we figured that since Cgroups end in May for the summer, waiting the whole month of June before we dated would not be beneficial. We have come to the decision that the last week of May will be the best week to start a relationship. I cannot wait. AT ALL. :) :)

Zach is an incredible person with a heart for God I admire. He has a great relationship with his family. He's funny. He's cute. He's very easy to talk to. He makes butterflies start fluttering with just the sound of his voice. It's crazy, and I'm happy.

Easter Passion

Every year there is an Easter performance at my church. It's called the Easter Passion, and I'm in it!! It requires hours upon hours, though :( This is my schedule (and has been 5-6 days a week since Feb. 19/March 6)
6 AM - Wake up
8 AM - School starts
250 - School ends
345 - Mom picks up from bus
410 - Get home
430 - Leave for church
450 - Arrive at church
5 - Apply stage make-up
545 - Travel down to choir room/eat
630 - Worship/Notes before performance
730-930 - Easter Passion performance
930-10 - Meet/Mingle with guests
1010 - Leave
1030 - Get home
1040 - Shower/Clean tub
1145 - Bed

My days are completely full, but that's how I love it!! I enjoy spending 32 hours a week with the most of the coolest people I know. My closest friends there are Juli, Angela, Brooke, Natalie, and Abigail. I met Juli last summer in the Women's Bible Study on Heaven we were doing. We weren't very close until Passion choir practices began. Now we're inseperable!! She is a hoot =) She makes me laugh, and she shows Jesus to me every day. Now that we're tight, I couldn't imagine what this Passion experience would be without her there by my side every day, bringing me Moe's and birthday gifts. HA!

I'm going to head back to English class now... The school day is almost over, and then I'll be off to Passion!! I could spend all day every day there. God is just so evident, and it's incredible!

"He is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. Let every tongue confess that Jesus Christ has risen from the dead!... He is the Holy One, Redeemer. We are saved, He's heard our prayers!!... Jesus is alive, He's done what He said He'd do. He is alive, the hope of His Word is true. The glory of the Father, Jesus Christ has conquered the grave. There is power in His name. Let all the world proclaim He is alive. Ohhh Oh. Jesus is alive!"

Out of the Valley.

Hallelujah!! God is so incredible. You're probably wondering where I'm coming from on this (although it shouldn't be so rare a cause for your wonder), so here is sort of where I've been for the past 4 months. I've been meaning to record it all as it goes, but time has not permit...

Back in April, after attending my church spring break trip (Bible and Beach) down in Panama City, one of my small group leaders and I got extremely close. She was a huge part of why I grew so close to Him and found out where I was meant in His plan. We decided to meet a few times a month to go through a devotional book. We went through with this plan, her pouring His insight into my life, and me continuing to grow.

That is, until September.

The last week of September, my leader threw upon me the fact that God was telling her it wasn't exactly right meeting with me. Apparently it wasn't fair to the other girls that I spent so much time with her. Also, we had begun to drift our focus away from the Word and onto her relationship with her boyfriend. It was hard to hear this from her, but I cried and went on. So I thought.

Life from there just kept going downhill.. spiritually, that is. I kept pleading with God, asking Him to reappear in my life. I felt like He wasn't walking alongside me like I'd always heard Him promise. I wanted to be passionate for Him. I mean, I'd always been a leader in the church, in my school, it just wasn't working for me. I would despise everything except for being with my friends, making money, and being lazy. Basketball? PSHhh. I would want to be ill so I wouldn't have to go. School? I hated it. I only have one or two good friends there, so there wasn't any joy in that area. Family? Completely driving me crazy.

I think I was going through a period of light depression. That is definitely hard to admit, but I will. I cried all the time, during practices, free time at home, and even math class. I didn't know how to get Him to become active again. I felt deceived.

After about 2 1/2 months of going through this stage, I felt as though He'd left me be to see how I could do without Him. To tell you the truth, I was totally fine with that! I thought to myself, "Danielle, if He won't become evident when you ask, go at it alone. It has to be better than what you're going through now". So there I went, independence galore!

It was fine at first, being on my own. I only read my Bible as a responsibility for basketball, thinking my coach might start asking questions on what we were to read. I didn't want to sit in a church service feeling like a hypocrite. The only reason I continued to act like a Christ-follower is because in the back of my head, I knew I would come back to my senses. I didn't want to do that with a plethera of mistakes following right behind me.

This stage was horrible. Even worse than the one before. I was so alone. I've never been one to pray very hard. I didn't want it. I didn't have time to talk about it with friends. I felt completely hopeless.

I began sharing this with a few people, mainly my youth pastor, Chad. He kept asking how I was doing and He would offer advice, though he admitted he didn't know what was going on.

Later in one of the high school services, they told us if we needed to talk to a leader, they would pray with us. I briskly walked over to Chad, and he began to pour out his heart in prayer for me. I just stood there, arms around him, crying. It's what I needed. Totally.

Then I began the road of reconstruction. I think I'm almost through, and boy am I happy He was so incredibly awesome in my life even when I fell away.