Thump.

That's the endless feeling inside your soul when the person you look up to most tells you they don't want you anymore.
I really do not know why I'm posting this on the Internet for the world to see... Maybe because it gives a sense of comfort that if anyone does actually read this, they are most likely a stranger merely clicking a few accidental keys and winding up with their eyes and concentration falling into the lap of the deepest, most powerful emotions my heart contains.
When the person you look up to most tells you they don't want you anymore. Accuses you of something you didn't do, something they know you wouldn't do. Completely shuns you from their every day life of which you had played a role in almost each of those days. You just don't know what to feel.
Actually, in part, you do. You know you should be angry, lashing out at them, repaying for the hurt they have caused, and the endless tears you wish would cease but at the same time continue to flow freely. But, in my case, all I feel is love. Strange, isn't it? I want to be angry, stand up for myself, show who is boss, but whenever I consider those options, my heart just breaks all the more, because in those most vulnerable moments is when I long for her to hold me tightest. When I want her to wipe away my tears. To tell her I'm beautiful and that she loves me like she used to do.
I don't know where I'm heading with this. Even as I write, tears stream down my face in a state of confusion. My heart beats with such a seemingly slow rhythm it seems as though it may stop at any moment. It's heavy. So, so heavy.
When I see her, though, it starts to quicken its pace. Though brains naturally contain thoughts, my racing heart has thoughts of its own. "Will she say 'hi'?" "Will she wave?" "Will she acknowledge my existence?" "Will she run up and hug me and tell me it will all be all right?" These thoughts repeatedly consume me in the few milliseconds of first sight of her. Deep inside I know the answer, but that doesn't diminish initial hope.
When I'm at home, I find pictures or happen upon something that reminds me of her. Orange juice. What she told me to drink 2 days before this horrid journey began because I hadn't been feeling well. Boa and hat. Our team memorabilia at camp this past summer. Old texts. Sweet texts I had saved earlier, ones that told of how our friendship and relationship would never end. Everywhere I look, evil thoughts just consume.
I know this is the Devil's handiwork, and I'm allowing him full access into my life. I try to fit God in as often as possible, and though it is far more often than most proclaiming Christians, I know it is not through my hardest efforts. I find uplifting Scripture, advice from parents and friends, but nothing voids the hole. Christ should and easily can, but I'm in the process of trying to figure out how He's going about that route...
Thoughts just left my mind of what else to write about to try to describe exactly how I feel and respond to certain things. I'm tired. I'm numb. I yearn to find hope, peace, and joy through Him, and ultimately He will bring me to that point when the time is just as He would like. But, as for now, I'm sitting here in an endless wallow...