Insecurity

I'm not a surfacy person by any means. If I'm going to have a relationship (or even a conversation, for that matter) I'm usually going to try to get it to a deeper level, or at least to a level where I find more about the person to better relate to them in following interactions. So if you're my friend, beware. I really want to know YOU.

Over the past few months I've been reading "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. It's tough to read large portions with studying and such, but this week I'm trying to finish it. Not that I think it will cure my deepest insecurities, but because I think it will open me up more to who God says I am versus what other people say that I am.

Which brings me to the deepest rooted insecurity that I face: the fear that people secretly don't like me. Woah, didn't know it'd be that hard to put online. Some of you may be judging me for putting something like this on the Internet, but do you think I'd really rather you read about my plans for over break or new craft ideas than something that's actually important? I think not.

OK so back to my insecurity. Everyone has them, and for women especially, it haunts them. For some it's their weight. Some it's their appearance. Some it's their intelligence. Some it's their finances. Some it's their competency. For me it's being truly enjoyed by people. I want people to be around me. I want people to miss me when I'm away from them for a longer amount of time than normal. It sounds SO selfish, and I'm sure it is. But it's true.

(And don't read this post, feel bad, then send me a message, tweet, or txt telling me how much you love me and think I'm great.. OK, you can, but for some reason, even though I receive messages like these ALL the time, I crave for more.)

I guess that since I love telling people how much they mean to me, I expect other people to enjoy doing that as well. In reality, the thought probably doesn't cross their mind nearly as often as it does mine. People DO like me (granted, there are probably a few that don't, but for the most part I'm likable).

It's just this dang insecurity.

And I know exactly what events fueled it.

Changing schools in 6th grade and not having a single close friend for 2 years.

The boy I thought I loved randomly stop pursuing me, leaving me with a hundred questions.

Having two mentors in a row suddenly stop mentoring me, one even cutting off all communication for months.

I'm not throwing a pity party here. I'm just clearly defining my insecurity, hoping I can relate to someone going through something similar, comfort those who feel this way as well, and help those who need to clearly define what and how their deepest insecurity came to be. And maybe it'll help those of you who call me "friend" know me just a little bit better.

I'm Too Tired to Think of a Title

So it's 1:30 AM, but I realized that if I don't blog as things happen or thoughts come, I push it off for later and then ultimately forget or it's not as well-thought-out.

This last week has been incredible. The first 2 months here I was homesick as I could get, preparing to apply to other schools near home. Then I began making friends and beginning to enjoy learning, and it got better. My core group of friends is incredible! There's about 15 or so of us all together, and it's pretty comical trying to fit everyone around a 8 person table. But we do it. Every day.

Towards the start of school, I asked God why He was putting me into this place where I was 5 hours from everyone I loved, knew not a soul, and was forced to spend hours upon hours reading history and literature. I thought that maybe His plan wasn't a 4 year run at Milligan after all.

But, friends, His ways are perfect. And now as legitimate friendships are beginning to grow, as I begin to spend hours upon hours with my fellow students, in conversation about everything imaginable, I am content. This semester which seemed to be inching by slowly is 5 days from being finished, and it kind of makes me sad.

So, here's to spending every moment imaginable learning, listening, and experiencing. And here's to making my mark on the Milligan College community in the name of Jesus Christ.

Joy

Joy is probably my favorite fruit of the Spirit. And, boy, does He bring it! Joy. Not always happiness, which is a fleeting feeling, but joy... never-ending joy from the Lord.

But I sometimes have this little feeling that some people think it's fake. Or that I use it to suck up to people.

But that's not it. Not it at all. (Granted, I am often a suck-up, but do I use a gift from the Holy Spirit to persuade people to like me? No. That's just wrong.)

Often I look around at so many people who are proclaiming Christ's love and grace on them, but as they live day to day, they spend their time with grim looks on their faces and holding grudges over the simplest things.

The Maker of the universe loves me. The Maker of my heart and body loves me. The Redeemer of my soul loves me. Regardless of anything else: family status, relationship status, social status, popularity status, the fact that my Jesus loves me should fill me with joy at all times. There are some times when I'm hurting and it's not as evident, but I'd like to think people consider me a joyful person.

So, choose to let the fruit of the Spirit planted in you to shine. Cuz more often than not, Christians in America are too afraid to speak with their words... so if your life isn't speaking Christ, then there's really no hope.

Priorities

So I'm sitting here, beginning to fall completely in love with this place called Milligan College. Although I'm starting to really enjoy myself, right now is one of those moments where I just want to be home, spending quality time with the people I love most. I'd even be willing to do some stuff I'm not fond of, just to have those conversations or nearness of people.

I'd hike to experience a workout and conversation with Miss Kendall Rutledge.

I'd help my mom with our dogs just to know she's near.

I'd wake up in the middle of the night, just to sit next to Maya, even in silence.

I'd spend $4 on a small chai tea for incredible conversation and time of prayer with Tammy and Heather.

I'd drive all over the city to hang out with friends I haven't seen in a while.

But as I think about all the time I would sacrifice and all the things I'm not a big fan of (outdoors, dogs, early mornings, expensive drinks, wasting gas) to spend it with people I love, I have to ask myself, "Danielle, you'd spend so much time and money for those people, but yet you can't even spend 15 minutes in the Word with your Jesus each night because you're tired?"

That's not an excuse. Absolutely not.

I claim He's my best friend. I sing songs about how I'll lay my life down for His cause and go into all the world proclaiming His Name. Yet I sit here in my dorm room day after day, night after night, wondering exactly how much time I HAVE to give Him.

(Granted, there are many times when I can't wait to dig into the Scriptures. But no, it's not always the norm.)

Where does the laying aside of myself start and the 15 extra, meaningless minutes of sleep end?Hopefully today.

These Days

Yes, I know I haven't gotten around to blogging part 3 of my story (AKA the best part), but dudes, I am BOOKED! I am now a full-time college student which leaves zero-time for anything else...

I am having a good time! It's been a crazy month here at the MC, but good nonetheless. It's weird not being around people I have accountability with or those who I can talk and cry to about anything, but those relationships are forming. Slowly, but surely.

I'm not gonna lie. It's tough being away from home. For years I've looked forward and counted the days til I started fresh on my own, but now that these days are here, I just want to go back. I want to go back to my family being there all the time for me. I want to go back to worshipping with my kiddos weekly and babysitting them as well. I want to go back to being mentored by Tammy and mentoring Maya, going through studies with both of them in fervent prayer and accountability. I miss home like I never imagined I would, and even though I realized it then, I was so blessed in "the 'Ville".

I still am so blessed here. Just a different kind of blessed. A kind where I notice the little things that mean a lot, because they're not quite as often. God is truly my strength here, because He's the only constant.

Well, I must get back to humanities homework (like always). Hopefully I'll be back on here soon to give more insight to all that's changing...

Until we meet again, blogosphere..

None but Jesus

As I was sitting in "big church" for the last time this morning I kept thinking about how when I go off to college in a few days there really won't be anything I truly know there. My family won't be there, my church won't be there, my friends won't be there, the elementary ministry won't be there, my mentor won't be there...

But God will be there.

This is where faith becomes apparent. I'm scared to death, but right now I have to make the decision: Will Danielle Merante trust God the same in Johnson City, TN as she says she does in Louisville, KY? He's all I'm going to have down there, so I know I'll have to. I'm going to need Him like no other time in my life, and I don't doubt He'll show up BIG. I just have to trust that He will take care of my mind and emotions. Even though right now it seems so hard.

Being a Mentor

While I'm in the middle of writing my life story blog, I decided to blog a little bit about how much I truly LOVE being a mentor.

Over the past year I have been meeting almost every week with a 12 year old girl who has grown to be a good friend. We have done a study of Hannah (Samuel's mom), memorized Scripture (the entire first chapter of James and a few other verses here and there), and now we're about to finish our study of Lies Young Women Believe. It's been an incredible year.

Since my freshman year I've had 4 women whom I have called mentors. Some have been called to other tasks, some just haven't worked out, and thankfully the one I have now is truly a God-send, promising me she won't leave me hanging. And she hasn't.

But from those 4 women I have learned so much. Grown so much deeper in faith... been challenged.. Learned the importance to reading Scripture. Little did I know how much I needed to do that for someone.

Being Maya's mentor has taught me that mentoring is a two-way street. I teach, she listens. She asks, I answer. Not only that, but I ask, and she answers. She asks, I don't know, so I find out. If you ask her, she can tell you that there's been many times where I don't have any earthly clue what to say, and so I've pridefully stumbled on my words, creating a jumbled mess of greater confusion. Or times when in my mind I know what to tell her, but when it tries to come out of my mouth it can't seem to piece together correctly.

But I try. And that girl is so patient with me.

With women in my life, I look up to them tremendously. I can't imagine Maya would look up to me that much, but if I think about it, I guess she does. She never gets mad or frustrated with me, even if I start sounding like a mom, don't know the answers, or change our plans last minute. She never ceases to give me the biggest of hugs and smiles when I barge in her house. It's the true definition of unconditional love.

When I leave for college in 35 days, the time I spend with Maya will be cut from 15 hours a week to maybe 10 hours a month... and that kills me. As I was leaving her house last week the tears began to freely fall when I thought about leaving her. Middle school is a very transitional time for kids... and for a preteen girl who is becoming more of a woman each day, emotions and friendships are crazy. I feel like I'm abandoning her when she may need me most.

But also, selfishly, I don't want to be away from her. We have so much fun together... swimming, laughing, just being like sisters. There are VERY few people who I can say love me no matter what I do, and going into a world where those people aren't makes me feel a little frightened.

Thankfully Maya has set up a Skype account, so I can keep up with her face-to-face in the years to come. And I'll probably be back home by the time she's about to enter the dating world. Whew, boy.

A Different Kind of Bible and Beach..

OK I just need to sit down and process all these thoughts and experiences of the last week... I'm confusing myself.

I went into the week not having a clue of what it would be like.. except for hot! it was nice having no expectations!

The bus ride down there was fantastic. I slept almost the ENTIRE time, and praise the Lord I got 2 seats the entire round trip. I couldn't stop thanking Him that He looks out for the little things, even my back pain :)

We arrived in Panama City Beach, and as soon as I saw Shelbi outside the bus my excitement bubbled over! I hate not being able to share long bus rides with her anymore, but her always being there as I step off the bus to give me the biggest hug ever created is the next best thing. We got our room assignments, and even though I wasn't put with Shelbi and Colleen, I couldn't wait to hang out with all the girls in our conjoining rooms!!! Little did I know that Tabitha (and Po) would turn out to be the most fun person to share sleeping quarters with... :)

OK, fine, here comes the most humbling thing I have ever put online.

Spiritually this week at BnB I was out of it. I was tired (both physically and spiritually) beyond belief. During the worship sessions, the Encounter times, the messages, and small groups I had hardly any participation. I just didn't want to be there. I was really homesick (for the first time in my life), and I just shut anything God was trying to say to me out. I acknowledged my hard heart, but I also didn't want to do anything to change the fact of its existence.

On Wednesday night I started feeling the Holy Spirit softening my heart, even if I only let him soften it a little, and for the first time that week I put my hands up during one of the songs. It felt so great to truly worship.

Following worship we had an incredible speaker from India share a snippet of his story, and my focus was not waned for a second. I just soaked up his bravery, his testimony, and his challenges to us to stand up for our faith, especially in the small, everyday things, even when everyone else is sitting down. Sounds cliche when I type it, but it was anything but.

After he spoke we watched a 90 minute documentary called "Love Costs Everything" depicting the stories of 5 or 6 families/individuals who had experienced the unthinkable in devotion to our God. I really want to watch it again, because it was probably my favorite thing about the week, but they also played in on the last night starting it at 915 PM. Everyone was exhausted, and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open and reading the subtitles. Such an encouragement, though. But even more of a challenge.

From that night til the next when we left, the Spirit grew stronger and stronger within me, and I felt like I was back to being the Danielle Merante I am... madly in love with my Jesus and trying to pursue Him as He meets me right where I am.

Some other highlights of the trip:

• talking with Shelbi.. laughing, confessing, and laughing some more. I am so blessed to have that girl as a best friend.
• talking with Juli.. actually more like just crying while I laid in her lap on the beach. She made missing home a little more bearable.
• talking with Tabs.. late into the night as we laughed hysterical, she cupped her ears, and Po was flung around giving kisses and comfort.
• talking with Lydia.. I missed Maya so much on this trip, and Lydia being able to talk to me and seek my counsel felt so good. I felt useful and needed, and Lydia is such a good friend. I'm so proud of her!
• talking with Stacie.. she listened to my story and gave me awesome counsel. And she also answered some questions I had... HA!
• talking with Emily.. from experiencing her beautiful face after waking up on the bus on the way there to finding each other every 15 minutes to say hello because our time apart from each other killed us. and our fun day on the dolphin cruise thing. and talking about boys. and lack of salad forks. and laughing at inappropriate times during worship. i love that girl.
• just laughing with my friends. those girls are the best thing God has put in my life, and I'm so grateful for that!!
• the weather. it was phenomenal!!! LOVING this tan..
• seeing dolphins. and swimming with them! OK, that 2nd part was a lie.
• the morning show. OK that was a lie, too.
• Po.

So there's my week. Hard, but good. Realized a lot of things. Admitted a lot of things. Hugged a lot of things. God's still a'workin!

Showing Jesus

I'm not sure why, but something small happened to me yesterday, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head.
I was on my way home from church, and while at a red light, I was trying to get something else done (multi-tasking is an art all Easter Pageant members try to accomplish). I totally wasn't paying attention, and the light turned green without my knowledge. Finally about 10-15 seconds later I realize it, but by then the light was turning yellow. I sped up and made the turn, but the guy behind me was stuck at the new red light. I was mortified, because I thought he would be very angry, AND I had obviously just left church (with my "car fishie" and 93.9 blasting out the window). But as I looked in my review mirror he waved. He waved.
It's probably my aggresive driving that made this so surprising to me. I would have beeped. I would have slammed my hand against my steering wheel and probably been mad for the next 5 minutes. But he didn't do any of those things.
I know that's not something huge, but it taught me something. There's hardly anything that any driver could do that should get me mad the way I get sometimes. I don't know if that man had just left church right behind me, or if he was just another driver going about his Sunday business, but that little wave of "it's alright, we all do that sometimes" showed me Jesus more clearly than I've seen him in a while :).

Enthralled by His Beauty

Lots and lots of deep thoughts have entered my mind lately. Some come at random times, others when I expect them, but they're there.

Thought #1
I've decided to become a Children's Minister.. I've already told you that. But as I was lying in the tanning bed (ultimate place for intimate thoughts, I know), I began to think, "Is it biblical for people to get paid for ministry?" It really began to trouble me over the next 13 minutes! Why I am going to train through 4 years of schooling in order to teach children about Jesus, receiving a salary? He CALLED us to preach to our surrounding nations (Acts 1:8), and callings like this aren't suggestions, they're commands. So shouldn't I be doing it anyway in ADDITION TO my career? I kept thinking and thinking, and soon I came to the realization that if there weren't ministers who were paid, then the inspired Word of God wouldn't be shared nearly as far as it has been. That's definitely sad, that money is what motivates our sharing of faith, but then I talked with my friend Emily when she (so graciously) came to help paint my room. She told me she had had a similar struggle at one point, because she's also going into some type of ministry. "BUT", she said, "I think the reality is you have to figure out what your motive for ministry is. Is it to make a living off the money you make, or is it to further the Kingdom through impacting children for Christ?" That sunk in. And it made sense. So, I'm not sure if I've fully grasped what ministry is, but I'm definitely thinking hard and trying to create a prayer life so completely focused on Christ. Which brings me to

Thought #2
Prayer. Goodness, that's my biggest struggle as a Christian: lifting things before God before trying to receive advice from my best friends or mentors. It's difficult for me to seriously offer all I am, who I desire to be, and who I need God to be FOR me. I think it shouldn't be, that it should be a natural process, but with all I have going on in life, whenever I have time to myself, I want to spend it sleeping, listening to the radio, or on some other mindless matter. I need to be still (Psalm 46:10). I need to treat Him like He's my best friend, before turning to Shelbi or Tammy. I need to acknowledge His power and might instead of leaving him on the wayside. It's so hard for me, and every time I sit down and decide to chat it up with Him, I end up getting scared or convincing myself that maybe I'll do it later. Stupid, stupid me.

Thought #3
Being enthralled by my Creator. This past weekend I was on a retreat with my Senior class, but it ended up being more like a mini senior-trip. Which I loved, but also came with drama and cliques. ANYWAYS. Deep conversation still happened, and I had the honor of listening in on one between two of my friends, Amy and Stephen. Both of them were talking about how amazed they were by God and His grace for them. Each of them traded back and forth stories and instances when they couldn't believe all God had done, and in all the ways He had redeemed them. As I sat in the van overhearing them, I realized they were almost arguing over who was worse and who God redeemed from the deepest. It was beautiful! Yet, I was so disappointed in myself for the way I lived.
I've always heard of Christ's love for me. Yes, God sacrificed His Son for me, and without that I'd have no hope and a future burning in Hell. But faith and believing has always come easily for me. Jesus loved me enough to die, and loves me enough to keep ensuring His grace on a minute-to-minute basis. I believe it, and believing it is so easy for me. But should it be? Should I simply accept the gift given? Amy and Stephen are so enthralled by his sacrifice and love. I'm certainly grateful, but I don't ever communicate my emotions toward that in a drastic manner, whether it be in fervent prayer or conversation with other believers (or especially NON-believers). Is it wrong to accept it so easily? Should I have such deep emotions towards it? What's your opinion?

More thoughts to come. Hopefully. :)

Lately...

I hate that I don't remember to blog, and when I do I only have time to give a summary of my life... but here I go again.

- On Sundays I lead worship with 3rd-5th graders, and I enjoy it more than I ever thought I would. After that, I usually go hear Dave or Kyle preach, and sometimes I have KidWay!

- Monday nights I meet with my mentor, Tammy Pierce, for Bible Study. We START at 9 PM, but we're both young, so it's no big deal :) Right now we're about to finish up our study on Ruth, going through the book by Kelly Minter... It's amazing to see the obedience Ruth has for Naomi and God! And I LOVE talking faith and life with Tammy. We've grown close, and I'm thankful for her all the time!

- I continue to babysit like nobody's business! In December I babysat 19.. that's right... 19 times! I've been blessed abundantly by the Almighty, and I am encouraged and in love with each of the families that call me "Miss Danielle: Babysitter".

- I'm still a part of my CGroup, but the date we meet has been changed to Tuesdays, and I babysit Tuesdays, so I won't be able to meet with them until April 12th. Which is a huge bummer, but I have the...

- EASTER PAGEANT! We've started choir practices, and in a few short weeks we begin nightly practices. Um, I can't wait. AT ALL! :)

- School. Blah. I want to go to college. Tired of the same subjects and the same high schoolers... I love my school, don't get me wrong, but it's time for a change.

- Milligan! I go in about 7 months, and I'll be majoring in Bible with a focus on Children's Ministry and minoring in photography! The biggest reasons I don't want to pack up my bags and leave immediately are because of 1) Southeast 2) My kids (elementary worship and babysitting).

- I'm mentoring! God called me through many ways to one-on-one pour into someone younger than me. Tammy's daughter, Maya, and I are going through a study on Samuel's mom, Hannah. I absolutely adore spending an hour or 2 with Maya every week, pouring into and encouraging her while she does the very same to me.

- Reading, reading, reading. I love it! I'm currently in the middle of George W. Bush's biography (Decision Points), and I just finished Radical by David Platt. I felt convicted majorly, and I accepted the "Radical Movement Challenge" this 2011.



Well, the bell just rang.. Gotta go get a 30 minute nap in on the bus! Love ya'll :)

-D