Insecurity

I'm not a surfacy person by any means. If I'm going to have a relationship (or even a conversation, for that matter) I'm usually going to try to get it to a deeper level, or at least to a level where I find more about the person to better relate to them in following interactions. So if you're my friend, beware. I really want to know YOU.

Over the past few months I've been reading "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. It's tough to read large portions with studying and such, but this week I'm trying to finish it. Not that I think it will cure my deepest insecurities, but because I think it will open me up more to who God says I am versus what other people say that I am.

Which brings me to the deepest rooted insecurity that I face: the fear that people secretly don't like me. Woah, didn't know it'd be that hard to put online. Some of you may be judging me for putting something like this on the Internet, but do you think I'd really rather you read about my plans for over break or new craft ideas than something that's actually important? I think not.

OK so back to my insecurity. Everyone has them, and for women especially, it haunts them. For some it's their weight. Some it's their appearance. Some it's their intelligence. Some it's their finances. Some it's their competency. For me it's being truly enjoyed by people. I want people to be around me. I want people to miss me when I'm away from them for a longer amount of time than normal. It sounds SO selfish, and I'm sure it is. But it's true.

(And don't read this post, feel bad, then send me a message, tweet, or txt telling me how much you love me and think I'm great.. OK, you can, but for some reason, even though I receive messages like these ALL the time, I crave for more.)

I guess that since I love telling people how much they mean to me, I expect other people to enjoy doing that as well. In reality, the thought probably doesn't cross their mind nearly as often as it does mine. People DO like me (granted, there are probably a few that don't, but for the most part I'm likable).

It's just this dang insecurity.

And I know exactly what events fueled it.

Changing schools in 6th grade and not having a single close friend for 2 years.

The boy I thought I loved randomly stop pursuing me, leaving me with a hundred questions.

Having two mentors in a row suddenly stop mentoring me, one even cutting off all communication for months.

I'm not throwing a pity party here. I'm just clearly defining my insecurity, hoping I can relate to someone going through something similar, comfort those who feel this way as well, and help those who need to clearly define what and how their deepest insecurity came to be. And maybe it'll help those of you who call me "friend" know me just a little bit better.