College Grad, Christian, and Single - How I Really Feel

I recently looked through my yearbook from my senior year of high school, and something caught my attention. Next to my senior picture my ambition stated, "To go to an awesome college, fall (and stay) madly in love with a man I'll call my husband, become a mother (yay!), and live a life full of the joy of the Lord." I remember as I was entering college I distinctly thought to myself, "If I don't have a serious boyfriend by Christmas Break, I'm going to be really upset." I laugh at myself now, partly because my ambitions look a little different and partly because I'm 22 and still haven't really dated anyone.
Here are my current (and jumbled) thoughts on all things dating/marriage/singleness:
I want to be married. I have an abundance of love welled up within me that I desperately want to give to a man. I want someone with whom I can show the rest of the world what the love of Jesus looks like. I want to know some of the innermost details of another's soul, both the messy and beautiful parts. I want to challenge and be challenged to pursue God with everything I am and do. I want to physically love and be loved in the most intimate of ways. I want to commit to being by someone's side for the long haul. I want someone to eat with after a long day at work. I want someone to explore new places with on my days off. I want someone with whom I can bounce my ideas off of and who can introduce me to new and better ways of thinking. I want to love someone even when they are frustrating me. I want to share the deepest parts of my heart with someone, knowing they're not going to go anywhere. I want to make and raise children as servants of God in a world that so desperately needs Light. I want to have a partner in my life of ministry.
That is something I would like so badly it sometimes brings me to tears.
However, it's something I'm OK not having. You heard me; I'm OK with not having that right now. I'm even OK with the possibility that I will never have it. Over the last couple of years God has graciously begun the transformation of my heart into one that finds its deepest fulfillment in Him.
Some people can't seem to understand that, though. Multiple times a week I hear things such as, "Danielle, I know the perfect man for you to date," "Have you met any guys you're interested in in St. Louis?" "I know God's protecting you from dating right now because He has someone great planned for you," and "You'll find someone soon; it's all in His perfect timing."
I know people say those things because they care for me. But even though it's something I desire, it's not something I need. And it's definitely not anything that's certain. Nowhere in Scripture am I guaranteed a spouse. Nowhere in Scripture does it say that if you're faithful to the ministry of God He'll reward you with a husband. I know many stunning, steadfast servants of God who have never been married. Statistically there's a decent chance it'll happen, but that percentage of probability is not 100%. It will never be 100%. And I'm OK with that.
My life as a single, Christian college graduate is beautiful. When I was considering jobs, I had no geographical boundaries. I didn't have to think about how my decision would affect another person. I didn't even have to ask someone else's opinion. These days if a friend asks if I want to do something at night or on the weekend I don't ever have to answer with, "Let me check with _________," or "I haven't spent much time with _________ this week, so I'll have to pass. Maybe next week." I can hold on to my dream of my future ministry in Europe without having to make sure someone else is on board with that dream.
Actually, in addition to being able to live a life with very few limits, as a single I can do 75% of the things I listed earlier, and maybe even do them better.
I have the distinct honor of being a vessel for the incredible ministry of Jesus Christ. Being young and single, those opportunities know few bounds. That is the way I want to live my life, and the only reason I'd even invite a man alongside me in this journey is if loving and being loved by him presented an even greater scope for ministry. I'm OK with where I am at this moment, and I'd love for you to be OK with where I am, too.

10 Things Tom Merante Has Passed Down to Me.

These days if you don't post a picture of your dad/husband on social media on Father's Day then you don't love them. I am all about not giving into social norms, but I still want my dad to be publicly encouraged, so here's a blog post of 10 things my daddy has passed down to me.
1. His love for people. Dad was almost always the one at fault for the family having to eat a late lunch after church on Sundays because he got caught up in a conversation with someone. We finally learned to take separate cars :). I'm so grateful for an example of someone who genuinely loves others so much that he sets aside time to invest in and truly listen to them.
2. His olive skin. Shoutout to Tom for genes that make me significantly more tan than most of my friends (when I actually spend time outside) and to not be able to pull off the color yellow.
3. His love for sports, especially football. It's just a beautiful thing. #goBroncos
4. His steadfastness of work, even when he doesn't love what he's doing. He has never quit, so I have (hardly) ever quit.
5. His last name. I'm so proud to be a Merante.
6. His ridiculous sayings. Unfortunately, I've begun to repeat some of the things he says that have always driven me crazy. For instance, whenever I am eating corn, I always ask my present company, "Do you know what I like about corn?" Invite me over for a homemade meal, and you'll get to hear the rest.
7. His face. Everyone tells me I look like my dad. And he's very handsome. I'll take it.
8. His love for roller coasters. You name it, I'll ride it. And riding them alongside Dad is the best place to be.
9. His faithfulness. If you're a genuine friend of my dad's, you'll be friends for life despite time or distance. The same goes for me.
10. His love for and service to Jesus. Some people think I'm cool because I'm in full-time ministry. So is my dad - he just doesn't get paid for it. I think that's more admirable.

10 Greatest Trips of College

So, in beginning to brainstorm for this, I came up with a list of every trip I took during my collegiate years that I could think of. I was going to narrow it down to just road trips, but I decided with my extensive flying that would exclude some top notch traveling. How many did I come up with (even without including the times I went home by myself or individual Humanities Tour sub-trips)? 43. Forty-freaking-three.
Before college, I didn't really give a lick about going to new places. Now? Now I can't stop. In fact, I'm writing this while I wait to board a plane to Orlando, a trip I planned two weeks ago (and got for less than $120 roundtrip - ask me for dets if you're interested).
Now for the list (in no particular order). And I kind of cheated by grouping some together, but it's my blog, so I can do what I want.
1. Louisville - I was so ridiculously homesick my first semester of college, so I thought it'd be a good idea to merge my two worlds. And it helped! Hillary and Anna came home with me, and Shelby tagged along, too! 

2. Mountain Internship Trips - There was that one time I went on my maiden voyage to New York City. Hannah, Bri, Lindsey, Wes, John, and I left after Mountain's weekend services, drove up, attended a service at Hillsong NYC, stopped by Times Square, and then drove back. It was beautiful.
Then there was that time when Hurricane Sandy came, and Mountain was quick to respond with help. Two days later (around 8 PM), Emilee and I got in a van with a bunch of old ladies and rode up to NYC. After crossing over the bridge into a pitch black New York, we delivered a bunch of hurricane relief supplies, and then we turned around to come back. At 3 AM Ben decided it'd be a good idea to stop for some cheesesteaks in Philadelphia, and there I ate my first authentic Philly Cheesesteak. It had nothin' on Niagara Falls' Violas, though. #goGrandma
Also, one week the interns and residents rode in a van from Baltimore to Atlanta for the Catalyst conference. Ethan Magness played a harmonica while driving the van, there was a "no headphones" rule, and when Ethan missed the exit he pulled over, backed up on the highway, and proceeded onto the correct route. Enough said. 

3. Trip to Greenville Airport - In mid-February of my sophomore year, my Grandpa's health all of a sudden took a turn for the worse. My parents didn't know how much longer he'd live. They told me this news at 7 PM. My tickets were immediately booked, and at midnight the beautiful Lindsey Meding drove me almost three hours to the Greenville airport in South Carolina, turned around, and went to class the next day (actually, she probably didn't go to class, but that's not the point). On that trip we had the most beautiful of conversations, and Lindsey selflessly showed that the good kind of friends drop whatever they're doing when their friends are in need.

4. Spontaneous Trip to Mountain - Speaking of Lindsey, there was that one Wednesday she randomly decided she missed Mountain and was going to take quick weekend trip up there. Hannah Appel and I decided to tag along, and we spent 15 hours on the road for probably 40 hours there. It was the best.

5. Baltimore Easters - I also spent two Easters in a row up at Mountain. Those two long weekends were spent loving on and being loved by some Dudecks and McDades, and they were beautiful. It was then that the gift of hospitality was most clearly shown to me. And if you ever get the chance to attend a Mountain staff Easter party, do it. 




6. New Hampshire Surprise - Remember that one time I told my friend Lauren I was going to California for Spring Break and then showed up in her house in New Hampshire? Then we spent the next few days going to Boston and braving the New England tundra just to grab lunch? Then I was persuaded to move there for the summer? That was a great time.

7. Gatlinburg - I mentioned this trip in my last post, but it definitely deserves to be on this one, too. Yay for breaking inconsequential rules!

8. Wilmington - One week I decided I wanted to spend the following weekend seeing some of my extended family and going to Wilmington, North Carolina where ONE TREE HILL WAS FILMED. So, I texted my aunt, talked with my OTH-loving friends, and set off! It was a real quick trip, but it was a dream come true. :)


9. Knoxville Study Weekend #1 - In order to hang out with my friends my senior year I had to do a lot of homework (or pretend to do it). However, that sometimes included weekend trips to Knoxville where we got to eat Mama Chambers' homemade meals and play with Lizzie and Ralphie. The day I met Lizzie and the following weekend with her, Darcie, and Mandy without a doubt makes the list.

10. Humanities Tour - The trip that broadened my horizons, changed my life's desires, and made me feel the most loved and wanted I've ever felt. 

Here's to many more adventures!

10 Funnest Things I Did in College

That I remember/talk about. And yes, at the moment I'm probably forgetting some of them (not because I was intoxicated, but because four years is a long time to remember things). And I know "funnest" is not a "real word".
In no particular order...
1. Rode on top of a car in a car wash. In October.

2. Climbed a giant hamburger on the outside of a restaurant. 

3. Jumped into a freezing lake in front of the Swiss Alps.

4. Participated in a national preaching competition.
5. Asked a random man (named Romeo/Ervin) in Italy to kiss me on the cheek.
6. Sang "Wagon Wheel" led by Italian musicians in a bar in Rome. (no photo available) 7. Acted in a fast food commercial.
8. Hanglided in Switzerland.
9. Ran 13.1 miles for fun.
10. Drove to Gatlinburg, snuck into a hotel pool, and swam for an hour.

Blessings

What a ride.

Four years. Only about a twentieth of our average lifespan, but I kind of think it’s one of the most important “twentieths” we’re gonna have. For most of us, it’s the stage of life when we pick our life-long friends. When we travel to our biggest adventures. When we somehow get the longest and shortest amounts of sleep we’ll ever experience. When we spend the most money that we don’t actually have on food. When we fall in love and when we get our hearts broken. When we decide what we’re for and what we’re against. When we choose what we may want to spend the rest of our lives doing. When we try great things and make grave mistakes. When we begin to solidify the core of our character.

This is supposed to be a blessings service. I don’t really know what that means. Cuz blessing in my mind probably translates a bit differently than it does in yours. And I have a feeling blessings in God’s mind are sometimes wayyyy different than any of us picture. It’s funny what God’s blessings sometimes end up looking like.

When I first came here all I wanted was to learn how to work in a children’s ministry in the Bible belt, find an attractive husband, and be married by the time I was twenty. That’s literally all I remember wanting. Now I’m graduating, discovered I don’t even really like kids, want to move to Europe, and still haven’t even kissed a boy. It’s funny what God’s blessings sometimes end up looking like.

Abraham became a dad when he was almost a hundred years old. That had to be confusing, but because of that blessing the Israelites became God’s chosen people. Baby Moses was put in a basket and sent down the river by his mother. That must have been lonely, but because of that blessing the Israelite people were freed from generations of slavery. Joseph was sold to the Egyptians by his own brothers. That had to feel like betrayal, but because of that blessing an entire nation and his entire family were saved from starvation. David was the baby of the family, was given the cruddy job of taking care of sheep, and played musical instruments while his brothers were warriors. Those things may have been humbling, but because of those blessings, he ended up being king. Ruth became a widow at what was probably a young age. That must have broken her heart and left her hopeless, but because of that blessing we ended up with Jesus. It’s funny what God’s blessings sometimes end up looking like, don’t you think?

We’ve all been given blessings, and there are plenty of blessings up ahead in our future. James says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” Some of those blessings have been and will be obvious. Some of them have been and will be masked by confusion, by loneliness, by betrayal, by a broken heart, by humility. But all of them will be ordained by a God whose love for us knows no bounds.

I think for the vast majority of us, Milligan has been one of those blessings. My freshman year I was seriously considering transferring, and there have been 18 thousand reasons that have proved my decision to stay to be a blessing. Dennis making Thai bar. Professors inviting me to have dinner at their homes with their families. Strangers offering to drive me up Sutton hill in the rain. Belting the Gilmore Girls theme song with my friends after quiet hours. Holding my residents when their hearts were hurting. Happy hour Sonic or Dunkin runs when I should have been studying. Dr. Jackson pushing back paper due dates (which he does every single time, yet we’re always surprised and overwhelmed with gratitude). Cringing when Jeff defended the infallible honor of our athletes with every blow of the whistle. Dr. Charlene Thomas grading our humanities exams within 4 minutes of us taking them. These are blessings. Sunrise hikes on Roan Mountain. Theater performances that made me laugh and cry and forced me to evaluate every part of my life and belief system. Watching Brad Wallace chase a dog through here in the middle of chapel. It’s funny what God’s blessings sometimes end up looking like.

Most of us are getting ready to head out into a world of unknown. Where we’ll have to come up with our own food. Where if we skip work it’ll mean more than just a mark on the attendance sheet. Where when our light goes out or our shower leaks or our living space becomes a home for stink bugs we won’t be able to just tell our RA and have Bruce come and fix it the next day for free. Where our responsibilities will be much greater than writing a paper or making sure we go to enough chapels. Where we’ll be able to park anywhere we want. For the first time in many of our lives, we’ll be entering into something that we can’t see the end of. It’s a time of beginnings with no set ends. It’s a big world of unknown.

But there is one thing that is known. Only one thing that is for certain. And that is our Jesus. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. His mercies are new every morning. He is faithful and gracious and just and loving and jealous and oh so sovereign. And the truth of the goodness of who our Jesus is includes the continual presence of his blessings. They may not always seem like blessings, but his plans are perfect. Romans says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love him, to those who are called according to His purpose.” If we commit to the Lord whatever we do, he will establish our plans (Proverbs 16:3). Whenever you are confused or full of joy or lonely or content or humbled, remember - it’s funny what God’s blessings sometimes end up looking like. 

Week 3 of "7" - Media

Since I wasn't using Internet last week except for work/school purposes, I typed this blog post out on a Word document. And never saved it. And my computer freaked out. So here's the gist...
For the week I gave up 7 forms of media: texting, Internet, Netflix/TV, movies, music, social media, and apps (except for my alarm and camera). It was much easier than I imagined it would be. It was also really inconvenient not to be able to text people - I had to either call or email if I wanted to get ahold of them. I was hoping at the end of this week I could have told you, "Oh I spent SO much time with Jesus because I wasn't filling my open hours with Facebook, Instagram, email, Twitter, texting, repeat." But that wasn't true because it was my photography show week, and I was busier than I could have ever imagined. I'm actually very thankful last week was media week, because being able to leave my phone in my room almost the entire day allowed me to focus on the things I needed to do.
You're welcome for the boring blog post.

Week 2 of "7" - Clothes

Day 1: After the hell that was last week, I was more than happy to just have to sacrifice my clothing for this week. Lauren and I decided to match Jen's effort of choosing 7 pieces of clothing (apart from undergarments and socks), because if we chose less than that we wouldn't be fully clothed. OK, we probably could have gone with 6, but Jen wore two different pairs of shoes and counted them as one item, so technically she ended up with 8. My choices? Jeans, brown shoes, brown striped shirt, green Tshirt, Milligan sweatpants, jacket, and my Firehouse Uniform (we agreed that could count as one item - we're all a bunch of cheaters). Obviously today wasn't difficult since it was just like picking out a new outfit. In fact, I foresee this week being fairly easy for me, not because I don't like clothing options, but because it's nice to not have to decide. It's like having a school uniform all over again. It could become a little embarrassing being seen in the same things all week, but I'm sure I'll get over that fairly quickly. I just reread the beginning of Jen's chapter on clothing, and in it she confesses she went through her closet and counted 327 different clothing options. In my head I thought, "Wow. I know I have a lot of clothes, but she has a crazy amount!" So, I decided to count my own pieces of clothing. 148. And that only included my winter-appropriate wardrobe. And only the pieces that are clean. Hoodies, dresses, cardigans, camis, jeans, pajamas, workout clothes, Tshirts, skirts, pantyhose. Don't worry, I didn't even count scarves or summer clothes or shoes or undergarments or hats. I'm not entirely sure what Jen counted exactly, but I'm scared now that I would actually be at the same level as she was if I counted everything. Granted, she figured her clothes cost an average of $20/$30 a piece, and mine would probably be closer to $10/$15, but still. If I end up having 300 total pieces, that's $4,500 in clothing. Ugh, I want to vomit. I get rid of clothes all the time, I promise. It's one of my favorite things to do. And I probably go for real clothes shopping once, maybe twice, a year. I don't feel like I have a huge problem with spending money on clothes. But do I really need 300 pieces? Even though I've very recently gone through and gotten rid of a bunch of clothes, by the end of this week I'd like to have a pile ready to part with. It's just too much. Too much.
Day 3: This week just ain't too bad.
Day 4: Today was a little tough, because it got up to 72 degrees. Everyone was wearing their spring-y clothes, and everything in me wanted to put on my shorts and flip flops. Nope, boots and a brown shirt it was. Again. Oh well, I still get to eat whatever food I want.
Day 5: Today I was thankful for my warmer clothes, because it went down to the teens in temperature. However, it began to be embarrassing as I had the same professor two days in a row and had the same outfit on. Also, people were probably wondering why I had no variety and thought I was nasty. Actually, I'm pretty certain no one noticed and no one cared. #realitycheck Oh, and this morning I was carrying a tray of tea and coffee up the stairs, and the tea spilled out. Thankfully it didn't get on my freshly laundered outfit. Until I spilled it again on three of my seven pieces. Really?! Oh well, gave me a reason to wash my clothes again. They probably needed it.
Day 6: It's my birthday!! I was hesitant to make clothing week this week, because I love picking out a birthday outfit, but I just chose clothes I liked enough to display on this monumental day in history! I also packed for Spring Break today, and I think I packed 4x as many clothes as necessary just because I'm excited for options! Only one more day. And looking in my closet still makes me a little sick. 
Day 7: Tonight I had a realization that I have every so often, and each time I do, it just gets me super jazzed. I don't know if it had anything to do with wearing the same clothes again or last week's food struggle or more than average time hanging around Mandy talking about life and faith and her future in Paraguay, but all evening I just kept thinking to myself, "Jesus is worth everything." Now that I'm getting ready to head off into what has always been referred to as my "future", I am thinking more deeply than ever (if that is even possible) about if how I'm spending my days and my life is up to the standard that Jesus called me to when I acknowledged his place as Lord over each of my moments. I don't think I am. Actually, I know I'm not. And that terrifies me.
[insert abrupt, ridiculously dramatic ending to blog post.] P.S. I don't have a picture of a pile of clothes I'm giving away/selling because I'm home for Spring Break and most of my clothes are at school. Plus, possessions week is coming soon. Stay tuned...
P.P.S. Lauren and I are taking next week off of our 7 experiment. Doing almost any of the weeks of 7 while 1. traveling and 2. traveling with other people who aren't participating is really inconvenient for the co-travelers. Maybe that's an excuse. You can decide, but I don't really care.

Week 1 of "7" - Food

Over Christmas Break I was given the book Seven by Jen Hatmaker. I had heard quite a bit about the book, and anxiously awaited receiving it from a dear friend who had previously informed me she was giving it to me as a Christmas gift. The book is the result of Jen's "experimental mutiny against excess" she perceived in American culture. She chose 7 areas in her life where she realized she lived in utter excess, and decided to spend a month focusing on each area. My friend Lauren and I decided to challenge and grow ourselves by going through a 7 week version of the experiment. We chose a shorter time period because, being a college student, a 7 month endeavor would hardly be feasible for many reasons.
So, here I am, week 1. Realizing our obsession love for food, Lauren and I decided to focus on the excess of food first. Because we are attempting this over a shorter period of time, we decided we should probably make it a little more challenging during each of the 7 weeks. In her book, Jen chose to eat only 7 different foods for the entire month. She also focused on buying locally and organically. Lauren and I decided to choose 5 foods instead, and since I am in college, I am buying at the Walmart. 
My foods: grilled chicken, bananas, spinach, eggs, bleu cheese. Yes, I chose bleu cheese. Despite its lack of substantial nutrients, I decided flavor was more important than variety (non-salt spices are a no-go this week). Oh, and I get to drink water.
Day 1: I spent the afternoon at a friend's house grilling thin-sliced chicken breasts and hard-boiling a dozen eggs. I ate a spinach and chicken salad accompanied with my light bleu cheese, and it wasn't a bad meal! I'm waiting for my bananas to ripen a little more. For dinner a friend and I decided to go to Chili's. That was dumb. I told the waiter, "I just want lettuce and grilled chicken. And bleu cheese on the side. Nothing else." I ate it, and it was good, but it wasn't fun watching Meaghan eat a flavorful plate right across the table from me. They also tried to charge me $9 for the measly meal, but I got it down to $6 (shout out to the great waitress at Chili's!).  Even though I ate a lot of yummy veggies and protein, I'm still hungry. All I want are Oreos. And milk. And flavored water. And a milkshake. That's it. I officially decided that since I haven't eaten any eggs yet, I'm going to change my fifth food to something that actually has a flavor. I exchange eggs for fruit loops. I can't wait for breakfast.
Day 2: Breakfast was my personal version of Heaven.
Day 3: I just reread Jen's chapter on food and apparently she ate almost all-natural ingredients. I don't think she'd approve of my fruit loop substitution. You know what? I DON'T CARE. All day long I've been starving. I didn't realize until I started this how much I care about food. Sure, I know I think about it all the time. Immediately after eating a meal I start thinking about/planning what I will have for the next one. I've started to quit thinking that way because I already know what I'll have for my next meal: fruit loops and a banana. And at lunch I'll have a banana and chicken and lettuce. And for dinner I'll have the same thing. For the next 4 days.  Because I reread the chapter, I'm understanding I haven't been focusing on the things that will make this process actually worth something. Yes, I've acknowledged that we have an incredible amount of options to choose from and that I think about food in an almost idolatrous way. Maybe not even almost idolatrous. I think food may just be a god in my life. Ouch. Throughout the rest of the week, however, I'd like to use this as a fast of sorts. Instead of my rumbling tummy being an annoyance or a reminder of my hatred of this experiment, I hope to use it as a note of the blessings I receive in having delicious food and as a reminder to thank God for his provision. Also, I want chocolate. Any form. Just give it to me.
Day 4: Today I focused more on prayer as my stomach growled, but it was still difficult for me to do so. I don't have a ton of fasting experience, but each time I've taken part in a fast of sorts I always end up mainly focusing on my hunger, not on the point of the hunger. Maybe it's because of my lack of expertise. Maybe it's because I have a foreignness to the feeling of hunger. Maybe it's because I adore food. I wish I was becoming more attuned to what God was trying to teach me. All in good time, I guess. I also bought Walmart brand Fruit Loops (AKA Fruit Spins). There is a difference, people. Don't go off brand. But still, I opened the box in the parking lot of Walmart and didn't stop stuffing handfuls in my mouth until I unbuckled my seatbelt back at Milligan. I literally drove with a giant box of open Fruit Loops on my lap. Did I feel pathetic? Absolutely. 
Day 5: Lesson learned today? It's OK to be hungry. Usually I get so excited when a hunger pain hits, because that means I get to make it stop by filling my mouth with something delicious! Unfortunately, my stomach has not been adjusting well to this weird diet, and it's been pretty achy for the better part of this week. Maybe it's adjusting fine and it's just been achy because it's empty. My dear friend, Mandy, asked me the other day as I was complaining (yet again), "Is there a limit on how much of the 5 foods you can eat?" My answer was, "No." "Well then why are you so hungry?" I thought about that for a while, because it made sense as to why she'd ask that question. The answer I came up with was this: I've been hungry because, instead of quenching my stomach's desire for food, I've denied it. Not because I wanted to go hungry, but because the food options I had were less appealing than a belly ache. And guess what? I was hungry. And I survived. It's OK to not give in to your every desire.
Day 6: I'm kind of missing out on a lot of community due to this thing. It's probably the biggest downfall to this week. Sure, I've eaten healthier and learned some treasured lessons, but I've also not gotten to participate in many meals in the caf, planned any coffee dates, eaten meals out, gone on any Dunkin runs, or taken part in cookie dough consumption alongside friends. This experiment is supposed to save money and create more time to be with people that are important to me, but with the uniqueness of my college setting, this week has done very little of either. That's why I'm waiting for the full 7-monther (maybe) until I'm living on my own.
Day 7: I might have prayed that they wouldn't have any chicken breasts or salad at the ski lodge today. No such luck. $13 for two pieces of chicken. At least they were big! Also, this week ends in 4 hours and 19 minutes. Halle-freakin-lujah.
End: It's now 1:04 on Sunday morning, and I've eaten a large piece of chocolate cake and a handful of Sour Patch Kids. In hearing this you may think I gained nothing from this week, but your thoughts would be incorrect. Listed above are different lessons I've been taught through the simplicity of limited food choices and through the denying oneself of every wish. I think the most important one I'm going to take away is the one I hit on on day 5. Hunger isn't necessarily a problem we need to fix. Sometimes it can just be a reminder... a reminder that we have access to more foods (both in quantity and variety) than we can ever comprehend. A reminder that our life and sustenance comes from the mercies of God alone. A reminder that our momentary discomfort would be the grateful cries of 805,000,000 starving people on our planet.

Dear Future Self in Ministry...

*The following is a letter to myself to look at every 5 or so years throughout my life in vocational ministry. Having been involved in different ministries, I have seen things firsthand and heard stories of people forgetting the reason why they entered into ministry in the first place. I also know my own sinful and human tendencies, so I decided to write this as a reminder to my future self to stay on track.* Dear Danielle, Take a few moments to sit back and look at where you've been the last five years and what you're doing now. I'm just here to remind you of a few things just in case you may have gotten a little bit off track… What is your ministry goal? What is the one thing that every little thing you do with your day is supposed to accomplish? The scary thing with ministry is that if you're not working towards a singular goal, then many things are done without purpose. And in ministry, there is no time to waste on things that don't have meaning behind them. So what's your mission? If you don't have one, create one now. Not tomorrow. Not when your next annual personal evaluation is due. Not when you decide your next year's budget. Now. If you do have one, look at it. If the main point of the statement is "Jesus", then congratulations - you get to skip this next section! If it's not, read on. Danielle, I don't care what ministry you're in - church planting, administration, women's, youth, children's, pastoral - I don't care. If your ministry goal has to do with anything apart from pointing people to Jesus, then your time has been entirely wasted. Magnifying the name of Jesus is the reason you're in ministry. It is NOT to make yourself look like the best Christian. It is NOT to have big numbers, whether in attendance or readership or whatever numbers look like in your position. It is NOT just to pay your bills. It is NOT because it's what everyone says you should be doing or that it's what you're most gifted at. It's Jesus, only Jesus.  If your top mission is Jesus (and I very much so hope it is), then I'm thankful you've stayed on the right course. Now comes the next question - does everything you do in your ministry reflect that goal? Do your teachings, your events, your day-to-day tasks line up with that goal, or do they serve smaller, less meaningful purposes like the ones mentioned above? Throwing a party can be a great ministry tactic - but if it's just because you don't have "enough" going on in your ministry or because you have some extra money in the budget, then it's not a ministry tactic anymore. It's a personal pleasure. Whether you're writing or planning or brainstorming, make sure it all points to your goal. (I would write a section at this point about making sure my vocational ministry doesn't push my family aside, but I'll write that one when I actually have a family of my own.) Finally, there's that whole "money" thing. There are many different approaches to the use of money in ministry, and you've seen it, Danielle. You've seen people do less-effective ministry because of lack of monetary resources, and oftentimes that cannot be helped. There are approaches a church can take to change that, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. You've also seen people do less-effective ministry because, although they may have the money in their budget to spend, they want to take the cheap way out (note: this is a much less common problem). However, the most common way you've seen people in ministry handle money is wastefully. Obviously, the future you is not still looking through the lenses of a broke college student, but the current you wants you to understand that being a broke college student puts a lot of things in perspective. I go to thrift stores. I don't buy what I can't afford. I come up with creative (and interesting) ways to pay for things like traveling, going to the movies, eating out, and decorating how I want. When I buy something, I try to use it as much, if not more, than it's worth. I'm not saying you have to be some ministry cheapskate, I'm just asking you to be wise. Your budget is a very, very precious thing, not because it is smaller than you'd like it to be, but because it's compromised of the offerings of others. Unlike most other jobs, your budget and paycheck do not come from the sales of a product or the labor you produce. Your budget and paycheck come from the tithes of individuals in your congregation. Who are you to waste a penny of what they have prayerfully and sacrificially given back to God in thankfulness to who he is? Your budget is not a reflection of how great you are at your job. It is a reflection of the stewardship God has gifted you with. Not everything you use for your ministry needs to be brand new. Not everything you use for your ministry can only be used once. Not everything you use for your ministry needs to be the coolest or most convenient thing. Be wise with your money, because it's not yours. If you're offended by this letter then chances are there are some things in your ministry you need to adjust. I know you, Danielle, so don't be too prideful to admit you've lost sight of what matters. Don't be too scared to let your boss know you want to change some things about your ministry, despite the fact that he/she may not agree with you. And don't be too arrogant to ask for help. Do good work, future self, and keep your eyes on Jesus.

Love ≠ Tolerate

Growing up hearing an average of four sermons a week, I got my fair share of the "love your enemies" lesson. However, it wasn't until a few weeks ago when I was reading it on my own that the gravity of the Matthew 5:43-48 passage began to hit me hard.
Whenever I had heard or studied these words of Jesus before it still said "love your enemies", but I always read it as "don't hate your enemies". There weren't many people I regarded as enemies in the first place, so whenever one of those few people came to mind I would be quick to mentally forgive their wrongdoings and go on not liking them (but NEVER hating - I was a good Christian, remember?). So, basically, I had conquered that command (sarcasm implied) and was waiting to dutifully obey whatever Jesus told me to do next.
However, after 21 years in the church and observing those verses for at LEAST the 382nd time, I really started to understand it. In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus isn't calling us to not hate our enemies, and he isn't even calling us to tolerate them. He's calling us to love them. All those years I had unconsciously replaced "love" with "tolerate" and didn't even think twice about it.
So why does that matter? Because, at least for me, when I choose to tolerate I choose to ignore. You're annoying and I don't like spending time with you? OK, I'll quickly change the direction I'm walking through the cafeteria to avoid crossing paths or shut my dorm door so you won't know I'm there. I'm technically not hating you…
But I'm certainly not loving you.
After I realized my drastic mistake, I began to think of the people I love the most in the world and how I demonstrate my love for them. I send them encouraging notes. I pray over them by name. I surprise them with their favorite Starbucks. I seek them out in church or the cafeteria to give them a "Danielle hug". I set aside my precious time to laugh with them, listen to them, and just be with them. That's how I love people - well, the people I like the most. And after reading that Scripture for the first time truly comprehending the standard Jesus was calling me to, I realized that's how I should start to love the people I like the least.
Love your enemies - don't just tolerate them.

13 Lessons from 13 Miles

Last September I signed up for a half marathon for a few reasons. It was on my bucket list. Someone I really looked up to and wanted to impress was running it. The friend I hung out with the most was taking a friendship hiatus, and I was frustrated and bored. So, naturally, I signed up to train to run for 2 ½ hours 2:41:32 straight.

If I would have known the discipline it was going to take, the incredible pain I would experience, or the constant dread that would ensue, I never would have paid the $55 and registered. And I never would have set out on the odyssey that taught me more than my finite mind can register even 10 days post-race.

I hate running. Even after training for six months and completing my first/only half marathon, I still hate it. I don't mean to be pessimistic, dramatic, or a complainer, but I'd rather have my feet chopped off than run another 13.1 miles. They feel like they've been chopped off anyway, so c'mon. Bring the saw. People talk about "runner's high". "Give it some time," they say. "You're gonna love it."

NO.

I felt as though I somewhat enjoyed it maybe five times. But I do know my deep, deep, deep hatred for the sport most definitely contributed to all the lessons I was taught as I limped up and sprinted down the endless hills of East Tennessee.

Lesson #1 - Doing something different introduces you to new people
I did my best runs at night or down back roads, and there was no way I was about to do those by myself (plus my mother would kill me if someone else didn't). Throughout my training I was able to run with friends I already had and with people I didn't know before. If I didn't have a running buddy, I would contact someone I knew ran and would ask them to come with me! So… Syd, Grizel, Megan, Anne, Shelby, Maya, and Lauren - thanks for keeping a girl going!



Lesson #2 - Running is a spiritual discipline
It may not be on many "spiritual discipline" lists, but I think it should be. Not only did running give me time to think things through rationally, it also presented long periods of time when I could talk to Jesus (that is, when I could think about doing anything other than breathing). Running through the mountains also put me smack dab in the middle of some of the most beautiful creation around. Ultimately, it taught me that even when I don't feel like it, even when my mind tells me "no", even when I think I don't have time, spending time with Jesus is always possible and always worth it.

Lesson #3 - Cars that honk at runners should have spikes thrust into their tires
But really. I don't care if you think I'm attractive as I wheeze through my open mouth, sweat in all the areas, and demonstrate the worst possible posture imaginable - do NOT honk at me. Or maybe you're just doing it because you want to see if it's possible to jump and run at the same time. Yes, I'm talking to you, Mr. Large Delivery Truck Four Feet from Me. A whistle (while also demeaning to women everywhere) is much more acceptable.

Lesson #4 - It's all about the shoes
Spend the money. Don't think you've snagged a deal on some cute-colored Nike's with your 30% off Kohl's coupon. If you're going to run long distances, go to a running store, get evaluated, and spend the $120.

Lesson #5 - Accountability means everything
If it wasn't for Lauren being on the receiving end of my post-run text messages replying with her all-caps and endless exclamation points, I'm not sure if I would have kept going. I'm normally fine with self-motivation, but only if I'm doing easy things. Her consistent "OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!! I'm so proud of you!!!!!!!!!" and "Keep going! You're getting more disciplined!!!!" messages made me feel that the pain and time was somehow worth it.
My friend, Nina, was also great to have as accountability towards the end. She ran the same race as I did, and the last couple months of training she'd ask me fairly regularly how far I'd been running that week. Whenever someone's expecting you to run and asks you about it, it makes it so much more difficult to not run!



Lesson #6 - There is beauty in pain
Just kidding. No there's not.

Lesson #7 - God knows me
When I began training, I suffered from a ton of pride. I thought that since I was putting all the effort into training, then the results were from me. My body, my hours logged, my glory. People were going to think I was super cool and fit and dedicated. God had other plans, especially after I began asking him to strip me of my pride in any way he saw fit. Life gets scary when you pray prayers like that, people. Take caution.
The pain in my hips and knees became almost unbearable. There was one week in February when I almost gave up my entire endeavor because of pain. It was then that I realized that God gives me the strength to lace up my shoes and the strength to put my right foot in front of my left. It sounds so cheesy, but from that moment on I knew each run was a testimony of God's power and grace.

Lesson #8 - You can always do more than you think you can
Running is a second-by-second decision to put mind over matter.



Lesson #9 - Have a plethora of running buddy options
Like I mentioned before, having friends to run with helped tremendously. Because of my random schedule, I never ran at consistent times. Everyone else had random schedules, too, so it helped to have a list of people I could text to see if they were available!

Lesson #10 - Chew gum
It keeps the spit from building up in stickiness. Yum.

Lesson #11 - Get over the bad days
Some days it was all I could do to run a mile and a half. I felt like I was going to die. Some days I ran five miles and didn't even think twice about it. Oftentimes those two runs would occur in the same week. It's not about each day, but the weeks that turn into months. If you have a bad day, try again tomorrow (or three days later if you're like me).



Lesson #12 - God hears prayers
Before my race, the longest distance I had run was 9 miles, and that was almost an entire month earlier. I was about 75% sure I would have to end up walking at least part of the course. My prayer during all of March was, "God, please just let me run the whole thing. I've put so much time and energy and pain into this. I promise I'll give you the glory. Just please, please, PLEASE don't let me walk." And he didn't. Thanks, God! You rock.

Lesson #13 - Doing something hard is hard
When I added "run a half marathon" to my bucket list a couple years ago, I just stuck it next to "learn to juggle" and "have a Harry Potter marathon" like it was just something else I'd eventually check off. After I trained for and ran my first 5K in October 2012, I knew quadrupling that distance would be a tad more difficult.
During my six months of training I encountered challenge upon challenge. First of all, I was training during the winter, and I hate running on treadmills. This made for a few runs in the snow (which I learned to LOVE) and quite a few rescheduled canceled training days. Secondly, I experienced heavy amounts of pain in my hips and knees after the first month of training. If by some miracle I wasn't in pain after a run, I would rejoice. Third, during most of my training I was working 25 hours a week as a waitress and taking 18 hours of classes. I was pooped. Last of all, my training partner for the race moved across the country to do some awesome ministry mid-train. Good thing I'd already logged in four months of training by then, or I would have quit.



The last six months of life have been pretty difficult physically, mentally, and relationally, and running was a big part of it. Yes, it contributed to the hardships, but I think it ultimately helped more than it hurt. Friendships were made and deepened. I got to know my Jesus on a new, raw level I'd never experienced as I learned to fully lean on him step by step and day by day. Even though I'm determined to never run long distances ever again, the lessons I was taught will not be forgotten anytime soon... especially because I'm reminded of them every time I try to walk down a flight of stairs.

 

Be There.

When I was in high school my brother took karate, and his instructor would remind his students time and time again, "Wherever you are, be there." I'd never heard the saying before, but throughout the following four years I've heard it stated many different ways but with the same meaning: Wherever your body is present, make every part of you present there, too.

I find in many ways this comes naturally to me, even if it does take a moment to adjust. Just last week I was at school in Johnson City, Tennessee, and I did NOT want to leave for Spring Break. I knew I was bound to see some great people in the next week, but I seriously love my life at Milligan to the depths of who I am, so why leave it? Then I moseyed my way on up to Kentucky where the love of so many people was poured on me through birthday cakes, flowers, presents, hugs, and cards. I seriously love my life in Kentucky to the depths of who I am, so why am I going to leave it on Tuesday? And right now I'm laying in a bed in Nashua, New Hampshire. I surprised one of my favorite friends, Lauren, with a visit up to her new hometown because 1) I selfishly miss her, 2) I've never been to New England, and 3) she needed to be cheered up from the stuck-inside-working-all-day-still-trying-to-make-friends-plus-it's-negative-1000-degrees-winter-blues. And even though she and Jacob just went to bed at 10:30, every part of me is present here, and I don't want to leave.

Tennessee, Kentucky, New Hampshire, Baltimore, Europe - whether I'm exploring somewhere new or living life day to day, I try to keep that saying in mind - "Wherever you are, be there."

However, I've found that when you're honestly "there", it's impossible to leave without giving a piece of your heart away. Part of my heart is on Milligan's campus. Part of it is at the Merante and Pierce homes. Part of it is somewhere in the middle of the Alps. Part of it is at the Piazzale Michelangelo. Part of it is at Mountain Christian Church. Part of it is with Elsa McDade.

But honestly, most of my heart isn't anywhere I've visited or with any of my friends or in any of my homes. It sounds BEYOND cheesy, I know, but for the last few years most of my heart has been in a place I've never been. My life on Earth is fo'real rockin', but I still long for more. Sometimes my heart years for places so much it seems to physically ache, and my aching to be in Heaven and with my Jesus is no exception. Unfortunately for the time being, it's little different. Theoretically, if I want to be in Kentucky or Tennessee or Switzerland, I can hop on a plane and be there soon. And technically, I want to stay in New Hampshire by pulling an "Amy" (Parenthood, anyone?) and leaving school, I can (don't worry, Albrechts… it's not happening). But when it comes to physically being with my Jesus, I can't just get up and go, no matter how hard I want to or try.

So, how do I live out "Wherever you are, be there" when pieces of my heart are scattered around the globe and the rest of it is in the heavenly places? I don't think it's a question I have the answer to yet. Or maybe it's not the question I should be asking. But I'm determined for now to give glimpses and pieces of my heart to new places and more people as I keep my eyes focused on Who holds it in its entirety, cuz I've found that life's just more beautiful that way.