Thump.

That's the endless feeling inside your soul when the person you look up to most tells you they don't want you anymore.
I really do not know why I'm posting this on the Internet for the world to see... Maybe because it gives a sense of comfort that if anyone does actually read this, they are most likely a stranger merely clicking a few accidental keys and winding up with their eyes and concentration falling into the lap of the deepest, most powerful emotions my heart contains.
When the person you look up to most tells you they don't want you anymore. Accuses you of something you didn't do, something they know you wouldn't do. Completely shuns you from their every day life of which you had played a role in almost each of those days. You just don't know what to feel.
Actually, in part, you do. You know you should be angry, lashing out at them, repaying for the hurt they have caused, and the endless tears you wish would cease but at the same time continue to flow freely. But, in my case, all I feel is love. Strange, isn't it? I want to be angry, stand up for myself, show who is boss, but whenever I consider those options, my heart just breaks all the more, because in those most vulnerable moments is when I long for her to hold me tightest. When I want her to wipe away my tears. To tell her I'm beautiful and that she loves me like she used to do.
I don't know where I'm heading with this. Even as I write, tears stream down my face in a state of confusion. My heart beats with such a seemingly slow rhythm it seems as though it may stop at any moment. It's heavy. So, so heavy.
When I see her, though, it starts to quicken its pace. Though brains naturally contain thoughts, my racing heart has thoughts of its own. "Will she say 'hi'?" "Will she wave?" "Will she acknowledge my existence?" "Will she run up and hug me and tell me it will all be all right?" These thoughts repeatedly consume me in the few milliseconds of first sight of her. Deep inside I know the answer, but that doesn't diminish initial hope.
When I'm at home, I find pictures or happen upon something that reminds me of her. Orange juice. What she told me to drink 2 days before this horrid journey began because I hadn't been feeling well. Boa and hat. Our team memorabilia at camp this past summer. Old texts. Sweet texts I had saved earlier, ones that told of how our friendship and relationship would never end. Everywhere I look, evil thoughts just consume.
I know this is the Devil's handiwork, and I'm allowing him full access into my life. I try to fit God in as often as possible, and though it is far more often than most proclaiming Christians, I know it is not through my hardest efforts. I find uplifting Scripture, advice from parents and friends, but nothing voids the hole. Christ should and easily can, but I'm in the process of trying to figure out how He's going about that route...
Thoughts just left my mind of what else to write about to try to describe exactly how I feel and respond to certain things. I'm tired. I'm numb. I yearn to find hope, peace, and joy through Him, and ultimately He will bring me to that point when the time is just as He would like. But, as for now, I'm sitting here in an endless wallow...

She's Just Her

This is a paper I had to write for AP English class about a point in time that changed my life...

Shelbi Draper. Say that name around this part of town, and most people will perk up their ears and perhaps even throw in a few good words or a story concerning her. OK, maybe not MOST people, but it sure does seem like it.

I admit I’m jealous. It has always been a natural feeling I have had when around Shelbi. Considering we are the best of friends, that cannot be healthy. It is completely a pride issue, because I undoubtedly crave other people’s awareness of my presence, whether physically or by mere mention while conversing. The looks, conversations, and attention enthrall me and cause my heart to feel as though it is on top of the world. Now that I have admitted my repulsive pride, selfishness, and jealousy, let us dig deeper to possibly see reasons, or inadequate excuses rather, for these issues.

All throughout her life, especially since the eighth grade when she reached a new level of maturity and intimacy with God, Shelbi has been someone people are naturally attracted to and also one of whom individuals admire. Walk into church? You can see middle-school students latched on to her like Santa in the mall on Christmas Eve. Parents with visible tears welling in their eyes tell of how she has inspired and encouraged them, their family, and their eighty-five million friends of whom they have told her story. Go to school? The sight of friends laughing hysterically along with her while assuming the look of complete respect is not unfamiliar in any way.

Though Shelbi knows the influence she has on countless people, I do not know if she understands how much her actions, words, and other human aspects get interpreted by others. She obtains qualities of a naturally born leader and this behavior can immediately be sensed as soon as one meets her or hear her speak of the journey on the path she now walks upon.

In March of the year 2009 Shelbi ventured to the doctor for the second time to discuss and question why she felt as though she were carrying bricks and weights upon her shoulders. She had been noticing for about five months the pain in her back and also how her legs seemed to be weakening. After many tests, her revealed diagnosis two months later was that of Muscular Dystrophy in the form of Limb Girdle 2A. This specific disease weakens the muscles that allow humans movement of their arms and legs. Later more tests resulted in Shelbi discovering that by the age of thirty-nine her only means of getting around would be by wheelchair, for she would soon lose control of the before-mentioned parts of her body.

I have no doubt she struggled with the news at times, for I walked alongside her through the entire process of diagnosis and as life continued afterwards. Well, my priorities had not been right through the beginning stages as they needed to have been. While I realized the extent and severity of it all, it was hard to understand all of which was happening and how much being there for her would have helped. Still, even after these past months, Shelbi has her moments where it is tough to understand and completely realize the extremity of it all; but to the public eye Shelbi has not yet appeared to skip even one beat. She immediately went to her faith and sought out opportunities to share her story in hopes that others would be able to see the hand of God in a seemingly hopeless and desperate situation.

I could not believe it. Well, actually I could because I knew Shelbi.

After a church trip to Panama City Beach this spring, I saw a glimpse of the reason God had allowed this disease to have its grasp on Shelbi. He knew she could handle this situation with more maturity and faith than most people who call themselves followers of Christ probably would contain if it had been them. And she is. To every fellow believer who has heard her tale and testimony, it is magnificent; but to see things behind the scenes, the strength she truly has? It is utterly breath-taking.

Shelbi does not want people to look at her any differently than they may have before they knew of her diagnosis. Seeing how this happens, I do not blame them because they just try to show a caring and concerned standpoint. But Shelbi is still Shelbi. Sure, she rides the elevator whenever and wherever she needs its assistance, difficulties arise when needing to sit on the floor, and she randomly collapses, but we make light of it. For instance, Shelbi started chasing Rachel down the hallway one afternoon, and Rachel turned around to face her and said, “You can’t catch me!”

Shelbi replied with, “Is that some kind of sick joke?” They all began laughing hysterically. Though a teacher yelled at them for causing a rowdy ruckus in the middle of a class period, instances like that keep the mood gentle and comical. These aspects assist in helping Shelbi remember she is not defined simply by the disease she beholds. Señora Cottrell, Shelbi’s sophomore Spanish teacher says, “What does a teenager do with diagnosis of MD? According to Shelbi, take the elevator flashing a smile, be a friend while leaning on one (or two), and ace the next quiz living her faith as usual.”

A serious struggle of mine is showing the quality of compassion physically and also emotionally, and most cannot even tell of visible proof of care (i.e. tears) for her that has been shown by me throughout this whole process. The thing is, I have my moments, but like I said before, I still see Shelbi as Shelbi. Of course I can see how the MD affects her physically, but by this point in time it seems normal. Is that bad to say? That the fact my best friend most likely is on her way to being unable to move herself like humans are meant to seems normal? Gosh, when put into writing, it seems as though I must be the worst human being on this planet. The sheer fact that her mental, emotional, and spiritual stability is so visible outweighs her physical stability.

Like I have earlier stated, I am an extremely selfish human being, and not only did Shelbi’s diagnosis with muscular dystrophy make and impact on classmates, her family, teachers, and church members, my pride took a major blow.

I was already in [what I thought was] the shadow, hidden by her “greatness” in the viewpoint of all mutual acquaintances. She was freshman, sophomore, AND junior class president (and I vice-president), on homecoming court, loved by all, respected by more, completely gorgeous, and now she had become more widely-known because of her disease.

Our church newspaper, which is distributed weekly to tens of thousands of people all over the United States, chose Shelbi’s story to be put on the front page along with pictures of Shelbi and her brother, Dakota, and quotes from our youth pastor. Her [much desired by almost every girl at Whitefield] boyfriend, Kevin, works at Shoe Carnival. His naturally critical and stern boss’s boss glanced at Shelbi’s article in the paper mounted on the wall of the office and immediately told Kevin to communicate to Shelbi she could come into his store and pick out any pair of shoes she so desired. She also became well-acquainted with many people of our church who would be at the head of the “important people at Southeast” list if there had been one. My best friend was a star.

Goodness, those words contain a sense of awfulness which surprises even me as I sit here.

Alas, I continue to write this in the midst of slowly learning the lesson of humility. Throughout the past few years she has always been a shoulder to cry on, the friend to call, and the one whom advises and encourages me while I am amidst spiritual warfare. God knows Shelbi has come alongside me though the toughest parts of my own life. I assume He would like me to do the same for her.

I have absolutely no problem in helping Shelbi. I love it! It is understood by me without ANY doubt that God is using this situation and my best friend’s personality, strengths, and weaknesses, to change many lives; anything I can assist in in accordance with His plan will be accomplished with all the effort and happiness my being beholds. This process just, with difficulty and reluctant surrender, is coaching me on how to obtain humility in the most powerful and effective way humanly possible. How do you cure someone of pride? Put someone in front of them of who cannot do anything about their own situation.

Do I think Shelbi was diagnosed with MD in order for God to teach me to be humble? Of course not. It is just another bolt of my own life God is tightening throughout this lifelong journey Shelbi Draper gratefully endures.

Pressure

I've never really thought much about pere pressure. I mean, I can see it and its effects, but I never really got pulled into the whole messy process...
Until now. Well kinda. I mean I've just been thinking about it a lot more lately. You see, almost every one of my friends has a boyfriend or someone of that nature. My sister's getting married. My best friend is dating the "most wanted" guy in our high school. My friends are always going on dates or hanging out with their boys. And I'm here. Thirty minutes away from everyone at school. No boyfriend. And different. And I always thought it was a good different, but I see how my life doesn't attract many, and quickly pushes the ones that are slightly interested away. But it's me. I'm different, and I've always been happy with that. And I still am. It's just tough.
Concerning boys, I'm pretty sure there's a guy out there who's actually pretty cute, likes me, and would be a fantastic boyfriend. I know he'd make me happy and I'd love it, but I don't get the butterflies. I don't get all nervous and giggly around him or wait for him to text. And I don't want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. But I often think of how much happier I'd be.
It's wrong (I KNOW!) to look away from God for happiness, but it's difficult not to. No excuse. I know. But I would like someone here physically. I don't know.... Just a lot on my mind lately. Everything's changing. Everyone's changing. Including me.

Where I Live, What I Live For

A state of confusion, irritation, uncertainty envelopes the minds of thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands of adolescents walking amongst many of their kind within the walls of a place where all are forced, yet few enjoy. High school is meant to be a setting of which compels teenagers to “broaden their horizons” or “conquer their dreams” when in reality, it has simply become a venue for awkward situations, loneliness, and few memories worth holding onto in between.

No, no, no. Taking students out of their site of education is most definitely not the correct way to handle this situation. Every young person will have to endure this position at one time or another, and despite my previous description, I am certainly an advocate for schooling children. I myself have gone through this entire experience and can vouch for the value of a high school education despite knowing the arduous effects the social circle will undoubtedly have on each student.

Schooling does not only consist of mathematics, science, history, and language courses, but also of a communal portion which has earlier been spoken of. One can dwell on the seemingly negative aspects such as peer pressure from fellow classmates, parental expectations never to be lived up to, etc, but if looked at through a magnifying lens, these outlooks can be reversed with a positive spin. Though never intentionally wanting to walk through these phases, they have strengthened, prepared, and challenged my faith and also my independence by unimaginable means.

I do not believe there is an easy technique, or any technique for that matter, to distinguish the destructive ways of high school students in general; but there is no doubt in my mind brief, miniscule seconds of relinquished joy, cheer, hope, can assist in adding to those times of what seems like, or may be, despair. Goodness knows how many instances have occurred when the upturning of a friend’s lips or perhaps the words spoken from those same lips, or wait! the mere presence of that friend, has cast a ray of light upon the dreary heart which envelops my whole being.

To many, it may seem unnecessary, the sheer approach of a grin and the few words aptly spoken from another human, but it is most certainly what I live for.

I'm Actually Really Not Sorry [at all]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I care more about sleep than my beauty. I'm sorry I can't hold it together all the time. I'm sorry I find learning from adults more intriguing than listening to the petty drama of teenage life. I'm sorry kids bring me joy I can't comprehend. I'm sorry I don't have a boyfriend. I'm sorry I enjoy acting out Christ's story for months. I'm sorry I don't hate all the homework we're given and don't complain about it constantly. I'm sorry I live far away from everyone else and have to pay for my own gas. I'm sorry my parents want me to spend SOME time at home. I'm sorry I try to give people a reason to go to work and serve a hateful human population. I'm sorry I like to bowl. I'm sorry I find Español to be the most beautiful language in the world. I'm sorry I like being noticed (pride. a huge fault.) I'm sorry I like alone-time at times. I'm sorry I try to be friends with people who are "different". I'm sorry I'm loud. I'm sorry I like Disney Channel. I'm sorry I love love stories. I'm sorry I don't curse. I'm sorry I've never kissed a boy. I'm sorry I'm not a size 2 or even 4. I'm sorry I don't play your sport. I'm sorry I don't have a fancy house (like you'd even know). I'm sorry I've had crushes on "weird" guys before. I'm sorry I don't wear bikinis. I'm sorry I have an odd taste in music. I'm sorry I can't sing well. I'm sorry I go to Southeast. I'm sorry I like to keep the money I earn and ask for people to pay me back. I'm sorry I like Facebook too much. I'm sorry I am different.
I am sorry I am me.

Life has Slowed Down... Just Kidding.

In the past month since I have posted I have:
1. Quit my job I have been at for 2 1/2 years.
2. Found out Easter Passion was canceled.
3. Begun playing basketball (after I swore I never would again).
4. Kept a 4.0.

Wow. Two months ago I never would have imagained 3 of those 4. Well, I guess it's just funny how God works. I wonder where I will be another month from now!
Tomorrow I am meeting with my school counselor and mother to try to decide more about my future: where I'll go to school, what I want to study, how I can keep up my grades, etc. That should be interesting.
Oh! On Sunday I'll be heading to Cherokee Park with the Jenkins's to take their fall family photos! I really hope they turn out OK.. Maybe I can even start a side business!
All in all, life is incredible right now. I serve (or try) an incredible God who is gracious to me even when I feel I don't want him to be. I have a pretty great family who is always there, and who is slowly coming closer together (btw, Alex asked my dad for permission to marry my sister! he said YES!). My CGroup is becoming close again, and it helps a whole whole lot. My relationship with friends keep going on and off... Well it's always on, but the strength keeps changing.. Oh well. Life is better than it has been in quite a while, and there's nothing to complain about!

He is jealous for me,Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.When all of a sudden,I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,And I realise just how beautiful You are,And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,Oh how He loves us,How He loves us all.

Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves.Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about, the way…

He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Oh how He loves.Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves.

Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died, And You met me between my breaking.I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony. ...They want to tell me You're cruel, But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Cause He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us.Whoa! how He loves us. Whoa! how He loves.Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves.

.

I'm frustrated.

Pray Continually...

I have a lot of praying to do in the days ahead concerning what I need to do concerning work. I absolutely LOVE my job, and I have been there for almost 2 1/2 years. The thing is, I think I might be called right now to come alongside some of the girls in my grade and just walk with them through life. I think it'd be awesome to help them when it doesn't seem like anyone cares. I know what it feels like to be lonely, and if I can help just a couple people, I would be delighted.
The thing is, I need an income. I am a teenage girl. I drive (gas), shop, go to the movies, EAT. If I quit my job, bye-bye life.
I have started to think... if I start getting enough babysitting jobs I can make enough money just off of that. I absolutely love babysitting, and it would be very flexible. DANG I can even make my own hours! Now all I need is a few more clients, and I'm good to go. So... if anyone actually reads this thing, need a babysitter? :)

So yeah, I have a lot on my mind these days. Not only work-related, but with boys (or A boy), friends (friends?), stretching myself too thin amongst homework, volunteering, and Subway. Gosh I just need to be in a constant mode of prayer, don't I?

1 Thessalonians 5:17

Taylor Swift Pictures

Best friend and I waiting for concert to start!

"You Belong With Me"

"Love Story".. LOVE the set :)

Best friends!
Kellie Pickler and Taylor

"Should Have Said No" drumming

Finale!

So Much Going On..

Life has been so incredibly hectic since school started 3 1/2 weeks ago! The stress that i have allowed to come upon me is INSANE... i have no idea how i'm going to handle it all year.

Well, last night i went to the fair with Shelbi to walk around then see the TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT. Let me tell you. Gloriana opened first, but we didnt know who they were, so we just left to go potty and grab a delicious elephant ear. We came back to our seats (which were in the center aisle on the main floor, kind of far back. but GREAT seats) and sat down to watch Kellie Pickler. She completely rocked the house and Shelbi and i were screaming her lyrics out like none other.

Then, oh my freaking gosh, Taylor Swift came out. I'll have to post pictures later, but it was the best performance ever seen. She had 9 outfits, acted out a large portion of her songs, and the set was incredible! From glamour, to throwing chairs, to hot boyz, to confetti, banging drums, a piano she played, about 4 acoustics, OH MY GOSH. she was completely awesome. shelbi and i stood for most of the concert and belted our little hearts out! i took 30 videos and about 190 pictures. every penny was well spent.

if any of you actually read this blog, you have to see taylor live. i'll probably go again next year... WOW.

i promise, i'll finish posting my dominican stories soon. maybe. :]

P.S. OH YEAH! i saw 3 movies last week: "my sister's keeper", "the time traveler's wife", and "julie and julia". they were all pretty good, but "julie and julia" was incredible. a little long, but definintely worth the absurd $9.50.